Broken // h.s.

Chapter Twelve- Wake

Chapter Twelve- Wake

Song for this chapter: Snow Patrol- Chasing Cars

Two days and still, no word from Harry.

Two days and eight ignored calls from Isan.

Two days and all I did was go to school, back home and write.

I started writing again because I am so fucking hurt all the time and so fucking lost and deeply passionate, I feel the need to write the poetic words I say over and over again in my head. My head, I decide, is a complex place.

No human should ever end up like me. I've become a prisoner of my own mind; held captive by my own thoughts and I have been deprived the chance at happiness.

I've realized that until I have learned to love myself, I am unable to love anyone else. I mean, what is love? A joke, I'll tell you that, and it's something Garrett forced me to say to him nearly each and everyday; I love you.

When I refused to say it, he'd hit me where it hurt and at that time, everything hurt.

Love is senseless. Love should be considered a disease; try to avoid it at all costs. It is dangerous, complex and risky. What does the average human being do when face to face with love?

They love anyways because they figure what other choice do they've got. The answer is, preservation. Preserve your heart because love will tear it right out of your chest and stomp all over it.

So then my mom tells me I love you like this: "I love you sweety." And I might offer my hurting mom a hug, but I can't say the words back. Not yet at least. Then my dad might say: "I love you Lana." And I will offer my hurting dad a hug, but just like my mother, I can't say the words back.

Not yet.

I close the laptop and stare at the book Harry gave me as a birthday gift; it seems to laugh at me while just sitting on top of my bedside table. I remind myself to say fuck him every five minutes, so it can be a bit easier when I do actually come face to face with him again.

He's probably skipping school just so he doesn't have to face me because he is a coward. A closed up, shelled in, coward and maybe it's best that we don't talk anymore.

So, that night, I drift off into sleep. Slowly at first, then there's a dream. In the dream, I am getting married. And it seems so beautiful until I see the groom; Garrett and the best man, Rey.

This isn't a dream, I quickly realize. It is a nightmare.

*******

I wake up the next day after a long night of terror filled nightmares and get ready for school.

Throwing on my sweater which consists of a design of only skulls and jean shorts that stop just inches before my knee, I am ready. I don't bother doing my hair, so I tie it into a bun and call it a day. I don't eat breakfast since I am running late and simply because I am not hungry.

Just when I'm about to walk into the school, someone locks their hand around my wrist. Isan.

"What?" I snap at him, pulling my arm out of his grip.

"Hear me out,"

"I don't have to hear anything-"

"I'm sorry. I heard- I overheard Jonathan talking to some guy and I heard about what happened to you. I didn't know at the time-"

"Whatever, Isan." That is such a lie, what he just said. He had to know what happened to me when he made that call with Cara.

"Listen." he pulls me back and I seriously consider punching him in the throat. "A part of me was still pissed you chose Harry over me, so I told Cara to do that stupid prank call. No matter how hard I try to hide the feelings I have for you, they just keep coming back and I sound like an idiot, but I really like you, Lana."