Bad Memories // a.u.

chapter 4: change my mind

My thumb rubbed against the necklace around my neck. It was my moms and I hadn't taken it off since what happened. It was a cross, my mom had been very religous and involved in the church. My dad was the pastor, which is probably why she was so involved. Our whole family, really. I stopped going once they were gone. I was surprised that no one made me go. No one showed up to my house on Sunday mornings to pick me up saying it was time for church. I didn't know if there was a god anymore. For so long I had been so sure, but after what happened I don't know. 

The metal was cold between my fingers as I looked out the expansive windows in the kitchen. It was early, maybe six in the morning. I couldn't sleep so I had gotten up early. It was a cloudy, gloomy day. The sun was hidden and I knew it would stay that way all day. It looked windy and cold outside. I noticed a figure out in the ocean, surfing. They moved effortlessly on the waves and I wished that I could do that. The figure got closer to the shore and I realized it was Keaton. My breath caught and the necklace dropped from my fingers.

"What are you doing up?" Skylar asked behind me. She had always been one to get up early even if she went to bed late the night before. "You're never up this early." I shrugged, turning away from the window to look at her. "Why don't you go down there?" she suggested, noticing Keaton. 

"I don't want to bother him," I shook my head. I sat down at the table and put my head down.

"Maybe you should go back to sleep then."

"But I can't sleep. I tossed and turned all night. I don't know why but lately I can't stop thinking about that night and all of those images are flooding my mind. I can't escape them. I thought it was going to be better here."

Skylar sighed. "Ok, how about you go get some acceptable clothes on and we'll go get coffee?"

I laughed at her comment. "Ok, I'll be ready in a few minutes." I knew that she didn't know how to deal with this any better than I did, but I liked that she was trying to make me feel better and take my mind off of it. 

Half an hour later, we were sitting at a table in Starbucks with our coffees. "Better?" Skylar asked. 

"Much. Thanks for this," I replied. I sipped my coffee and wondered how things would be different if she didn't come with me to California. I wondered if I would be able to make it on my own. 

"Hey, look who's here," she nodded toward the counter. I looked and there was Keaton. It seemed like everywhere I looked and everywhere I went, there he was. "You never told me why you guys sat at your own table when we got ice cream the other day."

I shrugged. "He just wanted to sit alone, I guess. I don't know. He didn't really say."

"Noelle! He totally likes you!"

"Keep your voice down!" I whisper-yelled at her. She didn't really have an indoor voice and I didn't want him to overhear us.

"But he totally does and you know it!"

I shook my head. "I guess he might, but I don't know if I want to get into a relationship or anything like that. I have so many issues."

"You can't hide from everyone. You have to let someone in."

I knew she was right and I didn't know what had changed from the other night. I wanted so badly to let Keaton in and to tell him everything about what happened, but I had never once spoken about it. I had talked about it generally, but I had never had to explain it. Never had to describe the details.

I was sure that Keaton would pay for his coffee and leave, but of course I was wrong. "Hey," he said as he walked up. His hair was still damp and a mess from surfing. "I was wondering we could go out tonight. There's this music festival thing a couple towns over that I wanted to check out and Wes said I could borrow his car."