*HOLD*
suicide is mentioned in this chapter so if you are struggling with this or dont feel comfortable please don't read on. i'll put a warning up when it is about to happen. stay safe & alive |-/
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"JOSH STOP."
i ran.
i didn't know exactly where i was going but i kept running. it felt relaxing holding my oxygen tank in my arms while feeling the wet soil stick to my shoes and the rain from the pine trees fall onto my head and shoulders.
i wanted to stop and lay down and wait for a tree to make my end happen.
but i knew if i wanted to die, i had to do it right.
i kept running and i couldn't or wouldn't stop. it was like my legs were wheels on a bike with a broken brake.
soon my legs started to feel numb and it felt like they were no longer a part of my body, but that didn't stop me. because i knew my legs were still there. i just couldn't feel them. i didn't have to feel them.
i just had to feel the wind brush against my skin.
as i ran farther and farther into the forest i could feel my hands start to sweat and the oxygen tank fall out of my hands; and i did not want that to stop me.
i yanked out the oxygen tubes out of my nose and left them on the ground. i felt free for the first time in forever.
i wasn't caged behind the huge tank reminding me that i had a life threatening disease. now, without it, i could feel human.
the forest got darker and the trees seemed to be the only thing surrounding me. i would always hear tyler's voice every now and then yelling 'wait' and 'stop!'
i couldn't leave him behind.
but the deed needed to be done.
i stopped running and i caught my breath, my lungs started to feel heavier and heavier as if there were two sand bags trying to stay on my chest. i stopped entirely and looked up and i was at my destination.
up in a tall tree was a treehouse. a single ladder laid down and was begging me to grab on. i ignored the pain in my chest and walked closer. as i stepped nearer to the house i saw a strand of rope handing down from the tree house, it was coming out of a window and i knew exactly where i had known it from.
--
flashback from 10 years ago*
(suicide is mentioned from this point on. please dont read on if you dont feel comfortable reading this! stay alive |-/)
"im gonna go for a walk," my father said. i was 7 and i was playing with my fake alien toys and rocketship.
"why dear?" my mom asked, wiping a dish and poking her head out of the kitchen.
"it's a nice day, i-i'll be back," and my mom walked up to my dad and gave him a kiss and faintly said, 'stay safe.' my father looked down at me and his eyes started to water. he put on his jean jacket and opened the door, he paused and looked back at me and closed the door.
"that was odd. did he start crying?" my mom said, she walked back into the kitchen and washed more dishes.
"i think so," 7 year old me said. i didn't know what was happening and i didn't want to honestly. i was 7 and the only thing i wanted was to watch the new episode of spongebob.
as the sun went down and ended the day i was still playing with my toys and staring at the tv.
"is dad home yet?" i asked, my mom shook her head and went into her room.
"he's probably off getting drunk again," she yelled, i heard the door close and i looked at the front door.
without thinking i put my neon green shoes on and my black jacket, u grabbed the flashlight and i opened the front door and walked out, leaving the door slightly cracked open.
i walked outside and i saw a pile of trees. i started to walk into that direction because i heard whispering. i walked into the trees and started getting scares. i shuffled for my flashlight and turned it on. i heard a weird rope twisting sound.
i started to run and i wished i had never gone that night.
because swinging on a rope was my dad.
--
*end of flashback*
before i knew it i was running up into the treehouse with tears falling down my face. i went to the window with my roped and poked my head out, looking at the night sky.
"let me be one." i thought.
"JOSH NO!" tyler had caught up to me and was looking up. by then i was reaching for the rope and shuffling for it to be around my neck. "josh no stop," tyler put his hands on his mouth and started shaking.
"no," i said, tightening the rope just right.
"josh, please. at least come down and kiss me one more time!" tyler said.
he wanted me to kiss him instead of staying alive.
"i can't kiss you," i said, tyler put his hands on his head and started sobbing.
"you can't or you won't?" his voice cracked, and he silently fell on his knees.
"i will not kiss you."
it happened quickly, i jumped out the window and felt the noose tighten on my throat. i looked up at the sky and the stars seemed to shine brighter as the light took up the entire sky.
"goodbye my love," i said, closing my eyes.
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end.
