Business as Usual~c.h.w

9. Loaded.

Hyungwon's idea of a pool party was fun while it lasted but the moment it was over, I missed it.

I missed the carefree atmosphere. I missed the music. I missed my friends. Well, I'm starting to miss him..

Which is a crazy and alarming thought in itself but it's true. He had made me laugh and smile in just a short amount of time. Even though I only let him slightly, he still accomplished that.

That was probably the most fun I'd had in a year or so.

Everyone went their separate ways yet you can tell the unwillingness was so clear. No one wanted to leave, but hey we're all adults and we have our own responsibilities.

I went home and showered, so now my hair is slightly wet, framing my face lazily. I decided to go sit on my roof for once, in baggy sweatpants and a long sleeved sweater crop top. Both a non attention seeking color. Black.

Apollo and I used to do this a lot when she was more frequent in being here, but she's slipping away also.

Yoongi, he and I usually talk and play video games, so we forget there is a such thing as a roof. Now, I'm more tired than usual. It's not a physical tiredness because yes, I did exercise today but I'm by no means in bad shape.

That's only because my body has always been naturally quite thin, so just doing a small amount of exercise easily tones my muscles.

I'm tired in every other way. It's usually like this but it's worse now than it has been in a few days. I assume it's because I got a small taste and glimpse of what my life could've been. I could've had the people to surround myself with. Fun. Someone that I could extend past a friendship with and let them care about me.

A life. I could've had a life. I could've had happiness. I could've not been stuck in this boring, looping life. A life that just makes me want to scream 24/7. Everyday it's the same thing on repeat. The same fucking thing and I'm getting sick of it.

Now, I barely see Apollo outside of work and so help me if she just disappears through my fingertips like almost everything has. I dont know what I'll do.

I can feel it happening again. I'm slipping back into how I used to feel as a teenager. Alone, a ticking time bomb, and suffocated. I don't want to do this again. It never left it just hadn't gotten worst. I'm scared of how this will end this time around, I don't think I can handle it.

I know I can't handle it.

I look back down at the bright screen on my lap and realize that it's my laptop. My laptop that is getting drops of frustration dropped on it. Quickly wiping my eyes, I go back to blindingly doing my work. It's typical shit I do everything. Every single day.

I'm so so so sick of this.

Suddenly, my phone shines blue on its sides from where I had it face down in my lap.

Unlocking and pressing in the text without even checking who it is, it's Hyungwon.

You just have great timing don't you.

H: Are you doing anything? Could I come over?

Oh, you know just slipping further down into the abyss of my mind and working. So, no nothing Hyungwon. Actually, one day. One day I can try and forget I'm me.

Me: ..you can. Just get my address from Yoongi or Apollo

I should probably tell him to let me know when he's here, so I can open the gate, but oh well I'll guess.