HELLO TO MYSELF. And you guys. :D
Warning: You're entering a BS non free zone. If you take offense to any of the following, please bite your tongue and keep reading.
It's been a while since I (Fern), have written a totally useless, grammatically incorrect piece of BS. I've been a bit... occupied.
Anyhow, today, I'd like to give you a chapter of ERN'S GUIDE TO DUMMIES. It's about, Wave Riding.
Yes, that sounds weird but you read that right.
Wave riding. The art of riding an incoming wave by opening your legs. And this is NOT a metaphor for sex or anything.
About three weeks ago, we celebrated our dear friend Hilda's 18th birthday. It was pretty special to us since she's the first one among us to become legal and get to do the big, adulty stuff like ride vehicles (she's too wussy to do this) and get married.
On the occasion of her birthday, we decided to go to the beach to do some swimming and sinking.
Unfortunately, only some of us were able to make it to this very 'fruitful' event. Life had a very cruel way of cancelling plans.
Ehem. A bit out of topic. Sorry.
Anyway, we were trying to find a way to have some fun at the beach. You see, most of us can't swim and we forgot a beach ball. Plus, we aren't exactly the type of girls to sit around and bask in the sun and chat about life, so our options were pretty limited.
But hey! If you don't have options you gotta create new ones, right? So, that's how someone started a game of Ride-All-Waves to have fun. I don't remember who is the "founder" of this whole Wave Ride thing is -- probably Mern or Jae Mi. One thing led to the other, and BAM, Wave Riding was officially on our 'Must Try Before You Die' list.
So join us in the fun! Here's how you Ride Dem Waves.
1. Find a beach with big waves. Imagine you're guy-hunting. Wouldn't you naturally go for dudes with big dicks? SO LIKE THAT. FIND A BEACH WITH BIG WAVES.
2. Sit on the shoreline, in ankle-deep water.
You should have all your clothings safely ON your body. Any loosely tied bikini straps might just result in nakedness and utter humiliation. So tie them tight to prevent them from coming undone.
ALSO: DID I MENTION YOU HAVE TO BE IN ANKLE DEEP WATER. Where the force of the wave can hit you.
3. Open your legs *wink wink*
Open your legs to a comfortable angle (not too wide, not too narrow).
Fair warning tho: incoming waves will uproot your butt from the ground. So you might feel like balancing yourself firmly by planting your hands on the ground: but dump that handsy shit. Lift your hands up high, sister, like and imagine "I Belive I Can Fly" playing in the background (you don't gotta imagine that but it's a lovely bonus). Focus all your energy on keeping your butt glued to the ground and sit still with your hands in the air.
4. REMEMBER TO KEEP YOUR BODY LOOSE.
Do not exert any unnecessary force onto any region of the body apart from your upper body and butt.
The secret to having good wave rides is to keep your body relaxed, so that you can allow yourself to be carried by a big incoming wave. SO LET GO OF THE TENSION IN YOUR JOINTS. You know how limp and loose your body becomes right after an orgasm? YEAHHH JUST LIKE THAT MMMM. GET YOUR BODY LOOSE LIKE ZERN'S BODY GETS WHEN SHE TWIRLS AROUND A POLE. (we'll post a chapter about Zern's infamous pole-dancing skills later.)
5. Wait for a good wave.
You can learn to differentiate between good and bad waves with some practical practice (hehe).
A wave big enough to throw you backwards can be considered as a 'good' wave.
6. When the wave approaches, close your eyes and scream your ass off.
This is the best part.
The wave will take you backwards and for like 0.5 seconds you'll be riding the wave. It's blissful. Seriously.
The after-effects of wave riding can be both good and bad. Mostly good.
Wave riding is one very creative way to relieve stress and have some salty fun. However, if you're planning to Wave Ride alone in a crowded beach, make sure you're wearing really secure swimsuits.
If the wave strips you, you'll have no friends to cover you. So it's always safer to have some friends around when you Wave Ride. On the bad hand (yes, I'm saying this), Wave Riding could result in a lot of sand in your underwear. A lot. Like, a sandcastle lot of sand.
Alright so that's it. Have fun, fellow Wave Riders. I really hope they consider including this game in the Olympics.
It's definitely one of the funnest games to play on the beach.
Bye bye. Try not to get AssFullOfSand Syndrome. Clean your butts, people. Be hygienic.
Take care. ♥
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