My fingertips gently glaced over the scars on my wrist where I'd cut myself a few days ago. I'd slit my wrist, hoping that it would be the fastest way to release myself of the torture, the torture of living without my purpose of life. I closed my eyes, leaning my head against the window where I waited for him. I'd spend my days by the window and nights in bed, only waiting for him. People may think I'm crazy...maybe I am. Maybe I am crazy because I refuse to live without the love of my life. Or maybe I was in denial. But I liked it that way, I liked being in denial, because I was afraid that reality would be too much for my wounded heart to handle. I closed my eyes, thinking about the dimpled smile that gave me butterflies and those eyes that made me feel like I was special. A single tear rolled down my cheek as I clutched the engagement ring in my hand, one of the few things I had left of him.
My throat suddenly felt dry, I think all the water was draining from my body in the form of tears. Wrapping the pashmina around myself, I quietly made my way towards the kitchen. I didn't purposely try being quiet, I just think the sound of my footsteps was lost somewhere without him. I poured water into a glass and it felt like the walls were mocking me, it was suffocating. Making my way back to my room I was distracted my muffled voices coming from the balcony. I recognised my mother's voice, and Ayesha was asleep on the couch, but who else was out there...it sounded like a man. I moved closer to where the voices were coming from and I couldn't help but notice how familiar the voice sounded...the voice of the man...who was he...
A gush of cold air hit me as I stepped out onto the balcony, only to have two pairs of eyes turn to look at me.
"Liam?"I nearly choked on my own words as I stared at him. I'm sure there was no hiding the surprise in my voice, nor did I have any intention of hiding it. He had his hands in his jeans' pocket, leather jacket in place. My mother and Liam exchanged a nervous look before looking at me again.
"Hi Khadija" his voice was almost a whisper as he looked at me, brown eyes glistening in the shadows of the night. I nodded, a little confused.
"What are you doing here?" I took a step forward, standing beside my mother now "and where are the other boys?" why couldn't I see anyone else and why did Liam keep staring at me... I didn't even know that I was holding his gaze until he looked away, trying to focus his eyes on something else. Did Liam always look at me like that? Maybe I just hadn't noticed before. Liam cleared his throat before looking up again.
"I actually came alone...the boys are home..." he trailled off, rubbing the back of his neck "I just wanted to check up on you" his voice was calm against the cold night air as I stood there, in the darkness, trying to read his expression.
"Oh" was all that escaped my lips as I nodded slowly, completely forgetting about the glass of water in my hand. "I'm-I'm okay" I managed to whisper as I focused on the view infront of me, the dark shadows, the cold breeze...happiness didn't seem to find solace in passing by our house anymore. There was silence as the three of us just stood there, probably thinking about the same thing.
"I think you should go out for a while, fresh air can do you good" My mother placed a hand on my shoulder, making me look up at her, confusion written all over my face.
"I'm getting fresh air right here moma...I don't need to go anywhere"
"You know it's not the same" did she have to be so persistent? I decided it would be best not to answer. "It's settled then. Go out with Liam. I can't see you like this anymore. You're only 19, you're not supposed to stay home on a saturday night." And with that she turned and walked away, she was using the tone she used whenever we knew her decision was final. I know she only wanted to see me up and about again, and I think I would have done the same if I was in her situation. And she was out of sight before I even had the time to protest.
I closed my eyes, taking in a breath of fresh air before aknowledging Liam's presence. "I really don't want to" I studied his face as his eyes were on the floor, legs crossed and hands in his leather jacket as he leaned against the boundary wall. He didn't respond, he just kept staring at something far off in the distance. "Bye Liam" I headed for the door, completely unprepared for what I heard next...
"It won't hurt" his voice was so low, I thought I heard him wrong. I froze in place, slowly turning around to look at him.
"What?"
"I said it won't hurt" he stood up straight, stepping out of the shadows and into the dim light that hung above us "come with me, just for a walk" I felt my throat dry up again as gulped. I was tongue-tied. It wasn't like my mind was having a battle with my tongue, I genuinely didn't know what to say...my mind went blank. His eyes went soft as he looked at me, I guess he sensed how lost and confused I was "it's just a walk...a walk is nice" he had a gentle smile on his face as he looked at me with hopeful eyes. Maybe a walk wouldn't be too bad after all...it was just a walk afterall...and I could use the fresh air...
"Okay" I headed towards my room to put on something warmer. I thought I saw Liam smile for a second, but even if he did, his eyes were still sad.
"I'll have her home safely in a while" Liam called out to my mother and I felt like someone had aimed at my heart with a shotgun, that's what Harry would always say.
