"You guys wanted to talk to me?" I looked around at the 4 boys who sat on a big couch infront of me. There were numerous other seats in the room but they chose to sit together, squashed together on one big couch. My heart sank as I saw them sitting there...without Harry, but I still managed a small smile, their cuteness together was uncanny.
"Yeah" Zayn spoke in his rich Bradford accent. It had been a while since I'd heard his voice...but it felt good hearing it again. He looked at the others before nodding and addressing me again "There's this tribute that they're paying to Harry.." he stopped to look at my reaction, he was probably expecting something...but I just nodded, determined to be strong. "The tribute's in L.A and they'll be presenting Harry with an award you know...so I-actually the boys and I were thinking about it and we want you to accept the award on behalf of Harry, giving an acceptance speech on his part" I stared at him, letting the words sink in before I managed to find my voice again.
"Me?" My eyebrows reached the sky.
"You" Zayn nodded, confirming that I had heard him right. I fiddled with my fingers, licking my dry lips before speaking up again,
"But how can I-I mean I don't know what to say-and it's L.A-" I stammered before Louis cut me off by walking over to where I sat and placing a gentle hand on my shoulder.
"You can do this Khadija. There's noone who can do this better than you, and just say whatever comes to your heart, you shouldn't be worried about the speech at all" he spoke encouragingly, small smile fixed in place.
"But guys I-" I started again, feeling nervous and unsure about the whole situation.
"You trust us, don't you?" Liam looked me right in the eye. I slumped my shoulders, sighing in defeat.
"Ofcourse I do" my voice was hardly above a whisper as I looked down at my hands.
"Then trust us on this" he answered, the firmness in his voice leaving no room for debate.
"When do we leave?" I finally looked up, my eyes starting to water up again.
"In three days"
*****
"Hello?" My voice was deep because the constant ringing of the phone woke me up. I rolled over in bed, managing to find the phone before pressing it to my ear, not even bothering to look at the screen. My eyes were still closed as my head melted into the fluffly pillows, sleepy voice taking over my system.
"Khadija" a deep voice answered, making me open my eyes a little before my lashes rested on my cheeks again.
"Liam, you better have a good reason for calling me this early in the morning" His laughter filled my ear, making me shake my head before it slowly died out.
"Umm...this is about the the tribute" all humour from our conversation faded and I slowly opened my eyes, staring at the ceiling, I suddenly didn't feel sleepy anymore.
"Continue"
"I know this may seem like an irrelevant issue and it is...if you ask me anyway" he gulped before continuing "Lou, our stylist wanted to know your size, she uhh said you needed something appropriate to wear..." it was clear that Liam was uncomfortable talking to me about this, and frankly, I didn't blame him. "So umm...I hate talking about this but I had to I know clothes isn't even important but you know how it all is" he spoke in one quick breath, nervously awaiting my reply. I nodded slowly, before realizing that he couldn't see me.
"Can't I just wear something I own?"
"Apparently not" I heard him sigh and I could just picture the frustrated/sympathetic look on his face. "I'm sorry about this"
"It's not your fault Liam. I understand" I answered genuinely. There was silence for a while before the voice from the other end pulled me out of my thoughts.
"Khadija?"
"Hunh?"
"Are you okay?" I knew what his question meant and every part of me dreaded answering it. I closed my eyes and curled up into the duvet, the ordinary piece of cloth that somehow made me feel safer.
"Yeah...I'm better" there was a pause for a second or two and I prayed that he wouldn't dig deeper into this conversation.
"That's good to hear...okay then, take care of yourself, see you soon" and with that, he hung up, making me breathe a sigh of relief that atleast he didn't want to dig into stuff I knew was painful for both of us.
*****
"Why can't I go?" Ash frowned from the corner off the bed as I zipped up my last bag.
"You know I would've taken you if I was going there to have fun" I spoke emotionlessly, making her frown even further.
"But I still want to go..." she pouted, puffing her cheeks as she fumbled with her fingers. I quietly made my way to where she sat, pulling her into a side-hug and placing my head on top of hers. She repeated my actions, snuggling into my side which made me smile.
"I'll miss you" I whispered and she raised her head to look me in the eye before placing a kiss on my right cheek.
"Me too" I softly smiled at her before looking at the time.
"It's late, you better go to bed" I patted her back, making her jump up and skip towards her room...and it was that moment that I prayed to God that she'd always keep smiling and would never have to experience loss...never have to go through the same pain I went through. Pain in those big brown eyes was something I knew I could never stand seeing. Happiness is a blessing...and from what I've learnt, you should cherish it whenever you find it.
I moved my luggage to a corner near the door before pulling on a hoodie and walking towards my mother's room.
"I'll see you in the morning"
"Do you really have to-" her voice broke and I nodded quickly, making her stop.
"You know I have to, I need to" I looked her in the eye before walking away and gently closing the front door behind me.
I let out a deep breath as I crawled under the duvet, under the duvet of. Harry's bed. I didn't even attempt to stop the tears, I knew it was useless. I buried my face in his pillow, taking in his holy scent while I wrapped the duvet around my body. It was cold, and I was shivering, but this duvet was the only thing that could make the cold go away now, Harry's bed was the only place that could calm me down.
"Hi baby" I whispered into the pillow, kissing it like it was Harry himself. Wrapping my arms tightly around it, I melted into it, melted into the warmth that I knew the love of my life slept in. The pillow grew warmer with every tear that escaped my eye and landed on it's softness.
"You know that I'm going tomorrow right? You're getting an award Harry...and I have to give a speech and all..." I let out a miserable laugh as the tears continued to fall "you know how bad I am at giving speeches right? I'm probably gonna be a mess tomorrow...forgive me for ruining your big speech okay..." I closed my eyes tighter, trying to feel him next to me "everyone really misses you...the boys miss you...especially Niall, he..he......I miss you Harry...I miss you so much" I inhaled his scent deeply, filling my lungs with the heavenly feeling that left me light-headed.
I kissed the pillow, exactly where his forehead would be placed...
"Good night Harry, I love you"
