Natasha: Trust Issues

Chapter One.

October 05 2012

I'd been living in Croydon for a week now. I'd never been away from home this long, ever.

Memories of the night my step-father raped me flooded my mind as I laid in bed. I tried to block out the thoughts, but they were still so fresh and vivid in my mind.

~~~~~

My mother was doing a night shift at Guy's hospital near London bridge where she worked as a porter. It was around 10:30pm and I knew she wasn't due home for another eight hours or so.

I made sure Tiana was asleep before I left for my own room. There was a thunderstorm outside, and Tiana was scared of lightning and thunder. Well, it was understandable seeing as she was only four years old. I didn't mind staying with her, I'd do anything to make her happy.

I then went into the tiny bathroom, brushed my teeth and washed my face.

Me and my brother Tyler shared a bedroom, in which we had a bunk bed. I slept on the bottom bunk and Tyler on the top. I'd often find miscellaneous teenage boy items on my bunk in the morning, Tyler was only fifteen, but in his eyes he was a grown man. I didn't despise him, after all, he was my brother. But he had some mean ways about him, Tyler was definitely not my favourite sibling.

Just as I finished putting on my night dress there was a knock at my bedroom door.

"Come in"

"Hello Tasha, you going to bed now?" said Paul.

"Yeah, did you need me?"

See now, Paul, my mothers fiancee, I thought was odd. I didn't like him, at all. He was 42, and from somewhere in the Caribbean. I couldn't remember exactly where, and I frankly didn't give a toss. He had a deep voice and spoke with a slight accent which creeped me out most times.

"No, no. Just checking up on you."

"Oh, okay", I said as I got into my bed, "good night."

"Hmm... perhaps I can read you a bedtime story. You know, to help you fall asleep."

"I'm fourteen, Paul. I don't need to have a bedtime story read to me." I retorted.

Paul closed the door behind him as he made his way further into the room. "C'mon, you're never too old for one." He was then sat at the end of my bunk.

I didn't say anything, the way he spoke made me feel uneasy. I put my duvet over my head hoping he would go away. It didn't work.

"Don't be stubborn now, Tash." By now he was sat next to my pillow. I prayed he wouldn't fart, with his middle-aged bum within such a close radius to my face.

"Please, I'm tired," I whispered. It was almost 11pm.

As I spoke he made his way into my duvet and was now laying next to me. "Just one quick one."

I was certainly not liking where all this was going. I always thought Paul treated me more different to the others... Different in a more sickly pleasant way. I often caught him staring at me too. I had told Tyler once, he dismissed the idea saying I just didn't want to see mum happy. That wasn't true. I began to think I was making it up. Now, I knew for sure I wasn't making all of that up.

"What are you doing?" I said, It came out as more of a whisper.

"Just relax baby, you'll like it; I swear." He said as he put his arm around me.

I shut my eyes tightly, and hoped Tyler would come into the room and catch him.

"Anyways," he continued, "Once upon a time there was a pretty young girl. She was in love with a boy, she didn't know the boy felt the same way about her too. There was a party in town one evening, and they both attended. They had a few drinks and got drunk. They began to kiss and..." He stopped.

Pretty shit story I thought to myself. Before I knew it, his hand made his way up my night dress and onto my breasts. He began to play with my nipples.

I froze. I always saw stuff like that on TV, a woman being assaulted, but she didn't kick or scream. She just let her attacker do their thing. I always wondered why they didn't call for help or something.

I now understood why.

"Be easy baby, me soon finish" He said.

I didn't move or utter a word. I just laid there under my high school musical duvet.

Paul started to kiss me on the mouth. He stunk of weed and cheap booze. He moved his hand down into my knickers and played with my clitoris, he started kissing me harder; his cold tongue twirling around mine. It was grim.

He moved down into the bed and pulled my knickers down.

"Please..." I whispered in a desperate attempt to get him to stop.

"Shh." he said. I felt something warm on my private area. He was giving me oral sex, he dug his face into my vagina and ate me. He literally ate me. All that was to be heard in the room was heavy breathing and squelching. It felt so good, yet it was so, so wrong. All I could think about was mum.

"Listen, this is going to hurt. Don't scream ok?" He pulled something from his back pocket and ripped it open. It was a condom. He pulled down his jeans and boxers and slid it on. His penis was huge. Much bigger than the boys' in my school when they flashed themselves at us girls during lunch.

He put his finger to his lips as if to say be quiet, and forced himself inside me. I winced. The pain was unbearable, I began to squirm uncontrollably as I felt something warm treacle down my thighs. Blood.

What seemed like an eternity later, he was done. He snickered and walked out the room so casually. I laid in the small pool of blood beneath me. I was in agony, my vagina was super sore. I didn't cry. I couldn't cry. I just closed my eyes and listened to the rain dance on my window.

My mum woke me up the next morning for breakfast. I shot up out of bed and hugged her, I didn't know why; we weren't that close either. I just felt the need to.

"Jesus Christ Tash!" she yelled, pushing me away. "Look what you've done to your bed sheets! For fucks sake, I'd told you ages ago to wear a maxi pad when you go to bed during your period!" Mum kissed her teeth and walked out the room cussing.

I turned around to look at the mess, as I did so my eyes locked with Tyler's, who was sat up in his bunk. There was something in his eyes that told me that he knew.

He knew what happened last night.

~~~~~

"Dinner's ready!"

I woke up from the dream with a start. My mind kept replaying that day over and over again. I was getting sick of it. The thoughts, the flashbacks, the dreams. Everything.

"Natasha! Dinner!"

The chicken teriyaki aroma coming from the kitchen filled my nostrils as I made my way downstairs to the dining room. I sat down at the dining table ready to share my evening with a
family I barely even knew...

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