The Cold Recesses of our Minds

11

The ride back to town was silent.

I sat in the jeep with Winters and Nixon. The night air is warm but my body feels every small draft of wind in my bones. It freezes me.

I look to Winters every once and awhile and wish that this war wasn't all around us. I wish I could tell all of these men that I'm a woman. That I don't want to be here and that they are all brothers to me.

I feel lots of emotions build up inside of me and I'm feel as though I'm about to scream but instead I let out a silent yawn.

Tonight is not the night.

We reach town and climb out of the trucks. I'm just about to hop out, following Nixon, but Winters grabs me. I sit back down and watch as the men disperse, leaving Winters and I in the Jeep. He has the keys in his hands and he keeps the engine running, he drives down the street and out of town to the west. I sit quietly. I have no idea what's going on. He drives for a little longer before pulling off onto a little road that leads to a bunch of trees. He turns off the car and is silent for awhile.

I can hear the nature noises around us begin to increase in volume. I look over at Winters and see him staring straight forward into the dark woods.

"When are you going to tell them you're a woman."

His words sting my ears. I knew better than to know this would be a friendly chat.

"You really think now is the right time?" I feel sarcasm dripping into my own words. Winters looks at me. A complete look of sadness comes over his face. I'm taken aback.

"It's not for their own good but for your own. You can hardly hold it in somedays, I can tell." He moves his hand towards mine. I let out a breath as he touches my hand.

"I-I want to tell them but, they'll look at me differently." I say mournfully. Besides, I don't need that kind of attention."

Winters chuckles. I raise my eyebrows. He looks at me intently, almost with intimacy, a look I've never seen before. I feel myself leaning forward and I watch him do the same. Our faces are close, too close.

"They would respect you, especially since they know what you've gone through. And if they didn't, I would command them to." He whispers gently. I feel the world around me become very silent. It is only Richard Winters and I in this moment.

"You certainly do like being a Major." I joke with a smile. Richard smiles too and places his hand behind my head. I close my eyes as we get closer.

The kiss is soft and kind. It's not hot or wet but simple and perfect. I haven't been kissed in a long time and I know he hasn't either. I feel my hands go up to his chest as we kiss.

After a few seconds we slowly pull apart. I open my eyes and smile.

"That was-"

"Perfect." He replies. He smiles and starts the car. For a second I forgot that I was a woman posing as a man. I forgot that we were in a Jeep owned by the war department. I forgot about the war raging only miles away. I forgot about the horrors I saw only hours ago.

I felt as though I was a young woman again and that I had found a young man who was absolutely perfect. Richard Winters wasn't​ a major in the army and I want a captain. We were two young people, that quite possibly liked one another.

But reality hit me when we reached town again. Richard stopped the car in front of a small shop.

"Goodnight Captain." Richard spoke as I slowly made my way out of the car. I nodded back to him.

"Goodnight." I said in a serious tone. I turned away and a smile formed on my face. I began the walk to the building where the men slept. I wanted to check up on them before I went to bed. I made it to the building, which was a white building with beautiful blue trim, and walked through the front door. I saw Malarkey sitting on a couch, a frown on his face and pure sadness in his eyes. He looked up and was about to stand but I held out my hand, signalling him to hold his position.

I walked over, noticing he was the only one in the room, and sat on the couch.

"What a day." I sigh and lean back. I rest my hands against my chest.

"I've seen hell today, for real." Malarkey answers, his voice far away. He takes out a flask and takes a drink. He looks at me with scared eyes. I shake my head and take the flask. I take a quick drink and hand it back.

"I thought you would take it away."

"Everyone deserves a drink after today." I feel the burn of whatever the drink was in my throat. Malarkey takes another drink and puts the flask away.

"What I would do to leave this place, I'd shoot myself if I had the guts." Malarkey sighs.

"The hospital wasn't all that fun, at least, I don't think it was." I chuckle.

"You don't remember?"

"Not really, everything's a little blurry, I woke up and found all of you guys after."

"Damn, that's fucking crazy." He says in disbelief.

"What?" I respond.

"I saw what happened to you sir, and you sure as hell shouldn't have lived through it."

"You're right. I should've just fucking died." I laugh again. He looks at me confused. "I have to change this goddamn bandages every morning, I don't but I'm supposed to."

"Can I see it? If you don't mind."

I gulp. I think fast, I can't show him my chest, that's a dead giveaway.

"Not today Malarkey, you've seen enough pain for one day." I smile and pat him on the shoulder. He yawns and nods.

"I should sleep." He mumbles. He gets up and walks towards the stairs. "Goodnight Captain."

"Goodnight." I smile and watch him walk up the steps.

I begin to take off my gun and lay down. The couch is soft and comfortable, perfect for sleep. I take off my helmet and let my head sink into the couch. I close my eyes and lay there, waiting as sleep takes me to a place better than here.

A place without war and hell.

A good place.