The Big Book of Book Reviews - [Closed]

New Awakening

My second review for the book

New Awakening

Author - @Adunnikuye1

I won't include the synopsis or cover for this book, seeing as how it's been included in the previous New Awakening review. If this is a book you feel you would be interested in I advise you to check out the previous review or go to the actual book for cover and synopsis info.

Review -

You asked me to read your newer chapters, I'm happy to say that I did. I would like to tell you that I definitely noticed an improvement. Your writing has gotten better.

However you could still improve, we all could. You also asked for me to include some tips to help you, so I'm going to be doing that as well.

I'm going to include some of your paragraphs and then I'm going to rewrite them, hopefully to help you. Keep in mind that everyone has a different writing style, so don't just take my word for it. Do what feels right to you.

"Luke? Luke!" a faded voice calls out to me.

I manage to force my eyes open to see Oliver staring down at me. His gaze filled with concern.

"Luke!" Oliver repeats again, tackling me into a big hug, causing me to groan in pain.

He immediately lets me go and starts apologizing while I try to sit up. Quickly realizing my huge mistake, I slump back down onto the bed as the room starts to spin and my headache worsens.

Deciding to just lay there for a while I slowly take in my surroundings.

Ok so that's my rewritten version the screenshot above is the original, obviously.

If you notice the rewritten version flows more smoothly. I think the main problem is the use of I. It makes the writing choppy and repetitive. If you use a mixture of me, my, and I, it makes a remarkable difference.

One thing I noticed here, the part where you tell about how Oliver was adopted, it doesn't fit. It's just a dump of information that makes no sense with the surrounding paragraphs. If you took that paragraph out completely it would sound better.

If, however you feel that it's pertinent info for the reader to have then try rewording it. Something like this.

I still remember how he told me after the funeral about how they adopted him. His mother and father had found him in their bed one night and decided to adopt him. Since they didn't know his birthday they just decided to make the day they found him his birthday.

Still not perfect, but I feel it sounds better.

The main thing is how does this continue the story? What does this information add to it? If it doesn't, then it's usually best to just drop it. You never want useless info in your story. It tends to confuse readers and it serves no purpose. Just some things to think about.

Unfortunately this is all I have time for. I hope it helps you. Let me know if you need anything else.