Ginger Love Palace (Cashby)

Chapter Nine- "You Can't Change Your Story"

*Austin's POV* | Mar 5, 2014 

I know what he said. 

I know he doesn't know I heard it.

What I don't know is how I feel towards Alan. I mean... I like boobs and girls, right? Yeah... boobs. Do I like Alan, my ginger princess? I don't know.. I mean, I guess I do? But.. as a friend or more? I don't really know. I never really thought about being gay or bi, but I need to get my shit together now. For Alan. He's almost left the world when it wasn't his time, and it's because of me. I feel so disgusting. I can't believe I made him to this to himself... I'm such a disgusting fool! Why can't I just accept that I love Alan?!

Wait... 

Well, I guess I just got my shit together because I really do love him. That boy is fucking lucky. 

*Alan's POV*

I stare down at my arms, analyzing the cuts and bruises left among them. I haven't been to school in so long, I wonder if anyone's noticed other than my own band. Who am I kidding? No one misses me, and no one will. Not even Austin! Why would he care? I don't see a reason why he would. I'm just a savage, a sellout. There's nothing good about me, and there never will be. Who cares about that stupid ginger that sits in the back corner of the classroom everyday trying to just survive through the day? No one, that's who! No one! 

"Alan..?" Austin whispers. I slowly move my gaze from my scars to his eyes. Expressions of hurt, sympathy and disgust lay upon his face. My face ends up written in pure confusion. Sympathy and disgust? Those two words should never be near each other. They're complete opposites, why would they both be on his face at the same time? Is he disgusted in me, but feels sorry that I tried suicide? Hurt because I made him feel like a monster? I had to be right, or at least somewhat close. There is absolutely no way that it's because he feels bad for me and hates himself. No, no one can hate Austin. Not even Gielle, that stupid blonde bitch. 

"I care," he whispers. My eyes widen. Oh shit, was I fucking ranting to myself... Aloud? Aloud?! Wow, good job, Ashby. You are a fucking idiot.

"Stop, Alan. Stop putting yourself down." I shake my head. No, I can't. I deserve this. No one needs me, what's the point of living? Don't we all just fucking die in the first place? Life: Stupidest thing I have ever heard of.

"Alan, stop!" he says frustratedly, holding my shoulder's in his grip. I flinch back instantly at the hint of anger and sadness in his voice. His face holds an expression of frustration, and still sympathy with a small hint of sickness. I don't believe he cares. No one cares. No one, no one at all.

"I care for you, and I.. I need to tell you this," he insists, his confidence lowering as his spoke his last sentence of words. I should be afraid, but I can't feel sorry for myself. I can't be weak, no, I need to be strong. I can't let myself go. Or could I? It's always been a question to lurk in my head. Nobody would notice, would they? No. Nobody would care. Nobody would miss me. Nobody would do anything, with the exception of cheering on about how the most hated gay ginger in the school was gone and out of everybody's way forever. Yes, I like the sound of that. 

My eyes slowly tremble to Austin once again I can tell that I've been thinking outloud. His mouth lay gaped open at my words. I know he has heard what I've thought. Frankly, I shouldn't care what he thinks, after all... He hates me. He knows I'm a freak. A failure of life. No, no, not just life, but at everything. There's nothing I'm good at other than ruining other's lives, breaking mirrors from my putrid looks, and hating myself. No one hates myself more than I do, which is quite something scary to say. I think. If you understood how much everyone hates me, you'd be terrified to meet my mind. It's a horrendous place. Even I hate it, and I own the damn thing. Maybe if you had my mind, you'd understand how much I hate myself. Of course, you'd think I'm just a freak. Well.. it's the truth. I am a freak.

Instantly, my eyes widen much larger than what they should be. I feel a pair of lips attach themselves to mine. There is no absolute way that Austin is doing this. It has to be a trick. Maybe the guys or Maddie have set him up to do this. Set me up for heartbreak. I can't help the feels and return the action. Moments later, I realize what I'm doing. I'm falling for something that I know will kill me if anything happens to go horrifyingly wrong. I pull away quickly and the simple words I hear next are ones I never would've expected.

"Alan, I love you," Austin whispers, and the small salty tears being to drip from his eyes as he walks out of the room. 

Shit, what did I just fucking do?

*time skip bc I dont want to end this chapter yet sorry*

*3RD PERSON - NO ONE'S POV*

Austin rushed out of Alan's hospital room quickly. He didn't want Alan to think he was weak, but he regretted it instantly once he saw the contortion of hurt plastered over his face. Austin just wanted to bawl even more, for he now felt terrible. No, not only he felt terrible but he felt so many feelings that it was extremely overwhelming for the poor boy. No matter what he tried to do, all there was in his head was a battle yet to be won over whether he loved Alan or simply only wanted him as a friend. He was questioning, that he knew for sure. But did he love Alan? When they kissed, Austin felt so many fireworks blast and he knew that Alan had to have felt them. Or was he simply that delusional? Falling in love with his best friend? It sounded yet so cliche to him, but he knew there were feelings. There always have been, and only recently has he admitted them to himself. But why wouldn't Alan believe him, was always the question. After all, Alan has loved Austin. Whether they're friends or boyfriends or whatnot, they'll always be that feeling of love that is glued into his mind. Love is simply something you cannot remove from the soul, as it stays there once it has been found.

A/N: i sound so much like a hopeless romantic right now its bugging me >.< carry on now :3

*Austin's POV* 

(ANOTHER A/N: sorry for all the POV switching, but I just ugh I wanted to put that 3RD person in there bc idk why just cause why not? anyways carry on again omg im stopping now.

Why? Just why? I should've stayed, I needed to stay. Not only will Alan think worse of himself now because of all the stupid shit I've done recently, but no, now my mind will lower it's esteem and beat me up about it. I can be so stupid sometimes, and it's terrible. I need to be better, but I will never meet the quality I have to be for Alan. I just.. I love him so much, and I hate how I only recently discovered this. But I need to be strong, I have to be strong.

*time lapse - three days*

It's been three days since I've seen Alan, and my mind has been eating me alive. I can't go back there, though. No, Alan hates me. He doesn't want to see me. I've fucked up big time and I can't believe that I'm such a stupid fucking dick! Why am I so horrible? Ever since my mother's passed I've been nothing but terrible. I'm losing myself and I know it. Mom wouldn't be proud, but I need to make her happy. She would feel pity towards me and I can't have that. No, no. Pity is never exceptional. I have to stop being such a pussy. I'm going to see Alan, I need to fix things before I screw them up again; eventually screwing up my already mismanaged survival. And the worst thing is... I'm skidding along being barely to withstand my existance.

-x-

Word Count: 1445