The Trace of Stars

Episode 10: Victim

Pain.

    Raw pain controlled my nerves, cut up my arms, down my legs. I jerked with every pulsation, losing my breath frequently. Desperately, I wanted to breathe.

    My head, chest, stomach all ached. My legs felt weak. When I attempted to stretch out my hands to feel my surroundings, my muscles felt tight, as if they were about to snap if I extended them further. I felt sweat as it poured down my temples.

    I groaned, but even that took too much effort.

    "Rowin..."

    I forced my eyes up, but saw no one. I was shaking so badly that I collapsed from my knees to being sprawled out on the ground. Pain continued to rack my body, so much so that I couldn't keep control long enough to scream.

    "This is your fault. You brought this upon yourself. You are alone, no one cares about you. No one. That's why no one can save you, you're a hopeless case. I thought you would see that by now," a voice said.

    It was scarily smooth, extremely familiar. I had ignored those words for so long. I knew I couldn't fight them off.

    "Seth won't be able to find you. He isn't safe anymore. He probably isn't even alive.

    "And Adria? Who says she's safe from this torture? Who says that she's okay? She isn't.

    "Jonathan? Please. He's the weakest, he was never as strong as you hoped, he will never be the same. He isn't your brother anymore, he's a slave to this. Every time he closes his eyes, he's his victim, and never your family.

    "Eden is a liar. He never cared about you. He never tried to protect you. You aren't special to him. What did you think? He'd risk his life for you? Are you even worth that much?"

    At this point, the pain had subsided long enough for me to catch my breath and look around as the words surrounded me. My mouth hung open in disbelief. The emotion I felt was beyond hurt. My heart felt like it was being pierced open, painfully exposed to the truth.

    "Seth never loved you. How could he love someone who rejected him, who literally hated him? How could he forgive you? How could anyone? This is your doing. This is your fault. You are not worth anyone's time-- you deserve to be like this."

    I covered my mouth with my hand. It was right. How could I expect anyone to want me?

    "If he had one more memory, he would know Lincoln. If Seth remembered him, Lincoln wouldn't be angry with you, he wouldn't regret saving you. Did he do that for you? Of course not! He was trying to save himself, he never cared about you. What reason would he have to do that? He hardly knows you.

    "If you had remained alone, they would all be safe. You wouldn't have caused chaos. You would've been alone, insane, starving, longing for something-- like you were meant to. No peace could ever satisfy you, you selfish little girl."

    A cry wrangled my throat as tears leaked down my cheeks. Grief weighed upon me. My heart sank until I felt like I had drowned.

    "Anyway, who ever said that this was real? This could all be your imagination. It has to be. How could Seth love you? Why would Eden or Lincoln ever take a chance on you? You aren't even stable enough to see that you made up the fact you found love and you're hurt and he's forgotten everything, only trusting you. How could anyone believe your story?"

    The voice continued to slap me, then left me writhing in pain, only to come back to take my mental state. This cycle went on and on until it felt like it was all I knew. I forgot about everything that previously occurred. I just felt dead. I wished I was dead while I was under the ring's spell.

    The sad thing was, it never occurred to me that all the things I was experiencing in the dark wasn't permanent. That everything the voice said was a lie. That I was actually not alone. I believed it, because those doubts had motivated and fueled my being.

    I lost count of how many times the pattern continued before I realized the truly horrifying thing. The voice was mine.

    I was a victim of nothing but myself.

»«»«

    Finally, I gained enough control to scream.

    It didn't make me feel better, for the louder I screamed, the louder the voice was. I couldn't block it out, I couldn't escape the process of torture. It didn't matter who heard me and who didn't.

    Every time pain was inflicted on my body, I wanted to die. I literally just wanted it to kill me. The voice said I had nothing to live for, and I was beginning to believe it.

    Slowly, it destroyed every joyous thought I ever had. Love being the first, then comfort, then peace, then security -- on and on and on. I couldn't battle it. I never ran out of tears. They streamed out of my eyes, effortless, heavy, blinding, violent.

    I was in so much emotional and physical pain; I came to the point where I just wanted it to be over.

{May 14, 2017}