When the voice finally ceased, I thought I was dead. Silence rung in my ears, yet the room was still stretched into an endless dark. My body ached, like I had run a thousand miles continually.
It may have been hours, it may have been seconds, but eventually I could stand. My knees shook, my stomach was nauseated, my mind dizzy.
Almost immediately after I stood, someone called my name loud and clear. It was genuine, somewhat humorous, very familiar. Shock registered within my muddled mind.
"Rowin, where have you rowed off to?"
The bad joke comforted me. First, as a small spot in my chest, until the warmth spread, bringing relief to my cold bones. The tears of pain stopped and I turned around, trembling in fear that I was only hallucinating.
I couldn't make myself say his name, even though it suited him better in that moment than any. Though it was dark, I could see him standing a fifty paces away, natural grin on his face, the way it should be.
My brother.
"It's about time you came, seems like I'm hardly alive anymore," he stated.
"Jonathan," I whispered.
He held out his arms as if to present himself. I smiled.
"The one and only."
With that, I ran to him. It had to be him. I couldn't imagine him being with me in the middle of the torturous atmosphere. I could hardly think of anything while feeling the beatings.
My limbs wouldn't move as fast as I wanted them to. I ended up tripping and falling over my own two feet. He met me in the middle, crouching down to the floor to be with me.
"You were always clumsy," he said.
This time, his smile was sad, which caused my heart to fall. He rested his hands on my shoulders, searching my expression as his became dreadfully serious.
"What are you doing here?" I asked. "You're suppose to be with Adria, safe from this."
"You're suppose to be safe, too." He frowned before continuing to explain. "Before I came in here, I was taken with Seth. He helped me, you know."
I nodded.
"When we arrived at the prison, they separated us. Then, authorities talked to me and gave me a chance to explain our situation. I understood the only human being he ever really had contact with was you, and I saw that he loved you. They explained the Antipode to me, assuming I wouldn't be alive long enough to tell anyone. I understood how everything connected. I couldn't let them torture him again, I didn't want him to forget you. So I convinced them to take me instead."
"But you're still alive. You're with Adria--" I protested.
"Yes. Rowin, I am aware of myself there, but I'm also trapped here. I know that my broken, unstable self is in my body, I can experience that. I, Jonathan Lifile, am actually here. My full, actual self is alive in here, see?"
He gestured to the huge, empty space.
"So, you're trapped here? Because of the ring and torture and everything?" I asked, afraid.
"For now," he replied, rubbing my cold arms before dropping his hands in his lap. "It's been better. I've been in the present more often."
"I miss you," I blurted, feeling emotion bubble in my chest.
"I miss you too."
It was silent for a moment. The painful cold began to creep on my again, and I panicked. He saw that.
"It's okay," he said firmly, taking my hands. Automatically I was calmer. "I get that feeling a lot in here."
"How do you stand it?"
"Human contact," he answered, grinning faintly. He thought for a moment before adding, "Seth also taught me a few things that help me, too. I've gotten better at remembering them, that's why I haven't been a captive here so much."
"Like what?"
I moved closer to him, the anxious feeling in my gut growing stronger. He squeezed my fingers.
"God is real, Rowin. I used to doubt it, but now I don't. Seth told me that He loves us, so much so that Jesus came to earth and died, taking our place for dying because of what we do wrong.
"Except, He didn't stay dead, He came back three days later. He give grace, forgiveness, peace, comfort, joy. Whenever I think about that, I'm back in my own head and I feel secure. The only reason I'm here with you is because I've learned to block out shouts of lies with His whisper of truth.
"I hope you aren't stuck here for long, but if you are, remember that. It helps being in a better state of mind here and out there."
"What if it isn't real, though? What if this is all made up?" I whispered, hesitant to trust.
"Rowin, we've heard about God in both places. I'm sure this is real. I can't explain how much it's helped me," he pressed. "Just try to remember. You aren't captive to your incapabilities. God is strong enough."
"Okay," I said, latching onto his words. "But why would Jesus want to take everything I did wrong and just forgive it? Why would He even want to do that? I never even tried to learn about Him or love people just because."
"He loves you that much."
"But why? I'm stuck in here, I'm literally brought down to nothing!" I cried, suddenly in denial that someone would want to go through death to get to me. I wasn't worth that. I deserved to be alone, like the voice said.
"That is why. He didn't want you to feel like that, Rowin. You aren't cut off from Him in your brokenness, you're joined with Him. He came to us because we couldn't go to Him directly. He knew that, and He had a plan. He simply loves you that much. He wanted your broken heart and restless, lost soul. He loves you. He's here with you," Jonathan assured me.
He pulled me into a tight hug.
"I'll be with you soon, sis. Just remember that for me?"
"Okay."
The next thing I knew, my head was pounding and someone was shouting. Jonathan wasn't holding me, instead I was being shaken, pulled out of the treacherous dark by strong hands.
As the thoughts circulated my brain, I felt safe. I couldn't have saved myself. I began to understand. I only suffered from my voice, but if Jesus died for everyone, how did that feel?
He was stronger.
Definitely stronger than me. I could hardly handle myself. He could. He loved me enough to do that.
My heart beat frantically inside my chest with my new perspective. Though I never gave Him a thought, He thought about me while dying. Never had I felt that loved, that worth it.
I saw myself as problematic, but He saw me as someone to die for. He didn't have to. He was God and had every right to be angry, like I thought Him to be.
He still loves me anyway. Even though I didn't get it and never tried to, He always had me, and always would.
When my eyes snapped open to the ceiling of the dimly lit room, my heart was full.
For once in the past six months, I didn't feel afraid.
<<<<<<<<<<
(a/n)
Writing this part made me so happy. (: Jonathan's my fav.
The story isn't over yet! (:
-Abigail
{May 21, 2017}
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The Trace of Stars
Macera» Sanity was a precious gift they didn't realize they had -- until it was taken from them. « A spilt second was all it took for Rowin's life to fall apart. As the ones she cares for disappear one by one, she realizes the Elements go far beyond her...
