Floral And Fading || Jonnor AU || EDITING

Part Twenty Two - Tears Are Art

"But Jamesy why." You cried, looking up at me with teary eyes "Do you not love me enough?"

How did we end up here?

It's my fault, again, everything's been going wrong these past few months because of me and I'm starting to feel like one giant mess of a fuck up, and it's taking its toll on you and I, and I'm so fucking sorry.

The evening started fantastically, you had come home from work in a good mood for the first time in forever, myself later learning that the man who had been harassing you had been fired over the matter, not only that but he was now moving away from the town, meaning we'd never have to deal with him again. I had spent the couple of hours I had free after going in to work for half the day, me only doing half shifts now due to my illness, cooking a meal for both of us, which then put you in a good mood further.

As we sat at the table, both of us enjoying the sweet and sour vegetables and rice I had prepared, talking about our day, sipping glasses of wine as you talked to me about a new project you were taking part in that you were really excited about, musing to me about how if all ends well you could finally be promoted to management of Graphics and Design (which is a huge deal for you, and I'm so proud) all I could think about was how lovely you look when you're happy, how amazing it is to finally see the childhood light back in your eyes, to have the oftentimes teariness replaced with a seemingly immovable happiness.

"You're so happy." I smiled, topping up both of our glasses "I haven't seen you like this since you were like 14, I'm so glad everything is finally settling for you, you have a shot at your dream career, we're married, the mortgage is nearly payed off, all we need now is a puppy and life will be complete!"

"...Or kids..." You smiled small "We could have a family instead of a puppy."

"...kids?" I sighed, my breath hitching "Maybe not yet..."

"I want a baby." You frowned "I'd love to have someone who we can help raise, someone we can teach right from wrong and help point them into the direction of success, you'd be such a good dad Jamesy, it's the next step."

"...I..." I sighed, looking up at your pleading eyes, not being able to find an explanation that would suitably cover up my doubts of seeing this child's fifth birthday, instead falling silent.

"You don't want kids, do you," You sighed, looking away from me briefly.

"I do!" I nodded "But we've only been married such a short time, I just don't think we're ready for a baby yet, maybe in the future."

Maybe in a future I don't have. Nice one James, another empty promise you can't fulfil, good going.

"I think we are though." You sighed, my hand now holding yours across the table as your eyes began becoming teary "We're so ready, we'd be amazing dads."

"I don't feel ready, I can barely handle my life at the moment Con, I don't want to fuck up another persons life too." I admitted

"...Are you saying you're not enjoying being married to me, is that it?" You asked, becoming increasingly anxious "Am I the reason you don't feel ready?"

"No, it's not you, it's not you at all." I shook my head "But everything in my head is a little crazy right now, you have to understand."

We went back and forth for about ten minutes, you pointing out that if you were a girl you would've been pregnant so long ago and you don't see the point in waiting any longer, especially since a few of your friends have had kids recently and they're not even married, nor have they been together as long as we have. You also pointed out how everyone asks if we had kids and when we're going to.

If I'm being honest I think part of this desire for a family comes from a place of insecurity and jealousy. Three of your friends have either recently fallen pregnant or had a baby and you're terrified of falling behind the crowd, you're terrified of being the odd one out (even more so since you're gay) and I genuinely believe that you don't want a family half as badly as you're making out you want one, rather you want to stay in the middle of the crowd and not fall behind.

"We're not having kids yet Con, that's final, alright? I'm not ready, you're clearly not ready, our marriage is so new and wouldn't survive the stress and anxiety, we can't do it yet." I shook my head, standing up from the table and collecting your plate from in front of you and taking them out to the kitchen, you following me.

"Please." You begged "The adoption process takes so long, we won't have a kid for ages, we can just put in for one."

"Connor, no, I'm not arguing with you any more." I shook my head

"But Jamesy why." You cried, looking up at me with teary eyes "Do you not love me enough?"

"I love you so much, but I can't deal with you when you're so emotional like this, I know things aren't great between us and it's effecting you, but we've got to be realistic and rational." I shook my head "I'm going upstairs to play Call Of Duty, talk to me when you've calmed down."

You didn't come up to bed at all that night, and at about 3am, I went downstairs to make sure you were still in the house and I hadn't missed you slipping out or anything, to find you asleep on the couch, the tv showing a neon blue screen, and your phone dimly showing Tristan's contact photo on the screen, faint snoring playing over the speakers, suggesting both of you fell asleep on the phone,

I hung up the call and wrapped a cover from the back of the couch over your body to make sure you stayed warm before kissing your tear stained cheek, admiring the abstract patterns before kissing your lips and whispering you goodnight.

I'm sorry for all the heartbreak I've caused and will cause.

I love you,

James x