Part Twenty Eight - Ten

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We did it. Ten years together.

I remember exactly how I felt when it all began, how nervous I was to hold your hand and how many butterflies were in my stomach as I leant over to kiss you, that time not being a joke as it had been around all our friends.

I remember a couple days after we had kissed in the field, I couldn't sleep as all that was on my mind was when can I kiss you again. Eventually I got the better of my nerves and asked you out on a date over MSN and to my surprise you said yes.

I was nervous, so were you. I was wearing way too much deodorant but you claimed to have never noticed. We didn't do anything special, we just went to the local park and explored the woods behind it.

I remember we were sitting on top of a hill, watching the clouds pass in blissful naivety, you hand was in between our bodies and I nervously reached over and placed mine on top of it, our fingers curling around one another's so naturally and easily.

"Hey, Con?" I asked nervously, not looking away from the sky "How did you realise you were gay?"

You shrugged, moving both of our hands as you did "I just realised one night whilst I was thinking about things, you?"

I blushed at the memory of watching a music video from some cheesy boy band and thinking about how hot the members were, I also remember the intense embarrassment that followed. So I lied and told you I found out the same way.

"You know Brad told me you like me don't you?" You said quietly after a few minutes of awkward silence because I had no idea how to say what I wanted so badly to say.

"Since when did anyone listen to Brad?" I questioned, and to this day it still stands.

"True." You hummed "...Is it true though?"

"Well uh...no?...yes...I don't know." I blushed a deep red.

Of course it was, if I could tell my teenage self anything it'd be to not worry so much about what other people thought of your feelings, they're yours for a reason. I'd also tell myself that you were the best thing that'd ever happen to me and that day would lead to the best ten years of my life.

"Oh...Well I like you." You blushed "A lot actually."

"Really?" I smiled, sitting up now, my heart beating at a million miles an hour, adrenaline coursing through my veins, euphoria closely following "Really Really?"

"Yeah," You replied "Otherwise I wouldn't have let you hold my hand for the past ten minutes."

"Oh yeah." I blushed nervously "...Do you like me enough to be my boyfriend?" I mumbled but I huge smile found its way onto your face.

"What?" You frowned, pretending not to hear.

"Will you be my boyfriend?" I asked timidly, to which you nodded, a bashful grin stretching across your rosy sun kissed cheeks.

"Yes!" You smiled "Of course James."

"Cool." I smiled, squeezing your hand excitedly at the thought of what could happen next and what the future could hold, everything felt unreal and like it was painted gold and it was amazing.

I remember how nervous I was to kiss you now you were my boyfriend and I remember how it took me the rest of the day to pluck up the courage to actually do it.

I was walking you home as the sun was setting, your parents had gone out to a dinner party and your brother was round his friends house, you unlocked you door and stood in the open door frame as I said my goodbye, just before I walked away I managed to convince myself to lean in and kiss you and I'm so glad I did.

You didn't let me walk away and invited me in to play video games which then turned into me sleeping round yours. That was the first night I had ever fallen asleep next to anyone, it was the first night I fell asleep with your body curled up in mine. The first time I felt safe and secure and happy falling asleep, and now I've done it over 3,000 times.

It's scary how quickly I fell for you, but its also no surprise. I'm glad everything happened that way, I'm glad it was giggly and awkward and wasn't grown up at all, I'm so glad we found each other young and stayed together despite the skepticism we both faced from friends and family, because now we've been together ten years and married for almost one. I'm as happy as a dying man can be and I hope you are content in the way things are.

I'm so proud when I look back on the life we've shared, not only how we've shared the good times, but how we managed to pull through the bad also, because although the good is nice to remember, it's the bad that bought us together and made us who we are. It's the reason you don't get hurt when you see me checking out some guy off the tv or even a cashier because you know I love you far too much to do anything but appreciate the beauty of the man that's in front of me. It's the reason why neither of us have passwords on our phones because we both have nothing to hide, it's the reason we're so close.

Con you have shaped me into a person I don't mind being, I like the person Ive become. You've taught me to appreciate my roots but not to let them anchor me down. You've taught me so much about myself and life and love and I'm so so so amazed at the impact you've had on me. Thankyou.

There's no way I'd be in my own house, someone who's truly the love of my life waiting for me in the next room, a glass of red wine on his bedside table left over from the celebrations of the 10 years spent together, there's no way I'd be able to have all this without you.

It's a shame I genuinely cannot promise you ten more years. It'll be one at most.

I'm sorry.

Love, at every end of the earth,

James x

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