Floral And Fading || Jonnor AU || EDITING

Part Twenty Nine - Desparation

I'm sorry I was so desperate, I'm sorry I was so gullible and thought that it would help me and that you'd be fine with it all. I'm sorry.

It all kicked off when You came home, you could smell it on me as soon as you walked through the door, and then all became clear as you leant in to kiss me hello and looked into my eyes.

I had been sprawled out on the couch, not doing much, because, well, I was high out of my mind.

"James why the fuck do you smell and taste like weed?" You began to interrogate me "What the fuck have you been doing?! That's illegal!"

The panic slowly began to set in as I realised you were angry, as I realised you were shocked and worried. Not only for me but the future. You'd always been told that drugs are bad and lead to awful things. You've been taught that people who do drugs are lazy and inconsistent and definitely not the kind of men you should marry.

"You're not going to believe me if I tell you it's not what it looks like, are you?" I asked, raising an eyebrow, praying for the opposite of what I knew would be your reply.

"Do I look that fucking gullible to you? James." You replied, clearly distraught.

"Mm." I sighed, not having an answer for you.

"Why."  You pleaded and I sighed and shrugged, guilt hitting me as I gradually began to sober up, it had been about 45 minutes since I had finished smoking the joint and the effects had began to wear off by the time you got home.

"I'm so sad, Con." I admitted quietly "I don't feel like you need me around, I'm a wreck, the shell of the man you fell in love with, I was told this helped, but it's made me feel worse." I whispered, tears rolling down my cheeks as you sat next to me, gently taking my hand, your other hand wiping my tears away.

"Jamesy, if you hide your struggles away from me, how am I ever meant to help you? We're the ultimate team, but only when you're honest with me, you don't need drugs, it'll only make your problem bigger and bigger, you'll end up miserable without them, what you do need however is to sit down, talk to me, tell me everything you need to. You know I won't ever ever judge you, you're my husband and my best friend in the world. If you're feeling depressed you know who you can talk to." You whispered "Just because you want to be 'manly' because you feel like you need to be I case your father ever comes back, which he won't, you know that, it doesn't mean you can't talk to me about feelings, Christ if I had the same attitude as you, I'd have starved myself to death. C'mon, I'm going to run us a bath, we can have a chat over bubbles and bubbly."

"We don't need champagne." I shook my head, rubbing my sore eyes "just bubbles and you is good enough for me."

"Well I want champagne." You said, me following you out to the kitchen where you discovered we didn't have any champagne "Well, looks like it's either Rosé or Red, I prefer the red, but I know you don't like this one, so Rosé it is." You grinned as you collected the bottle and two wine glasses before leading upstairs and placing them in the bathroom and beginning to run a bath.

"...I'm stealing one of the Lush bath bombs I bought you to put in this, I don't care if they're yours." I smiled a little, picking up a blue glittery ball that had pink and yellow stripes through it.

"Go ahead" you nodded as I placed it in the water "Find the bubble soap that smells like strawberries for me babe?"

I did as you asked and wrapped my arms around your waist as you filled the tub with bubbles.

"I'm sorry for doing this all behind your back." I whispered quietly into your ear, placing a gentle kiss behind it "I didn't want to make you upset or angry or anything, I knew you'd be disappointed in me if I told you. I won't do it again. I just wanted to de-stress and Mike offered to help..."

"It's okay." You nodded, turning in my arms so we were now facing each other "I forgive you." You pressed a soft lingering kiss to my lips before breaking the embrace and pairing us each a glass of the Rosé. Passing one to me before lifting it in a toast "To you Jamesy, and you making better choices and talking to me and telling me things that I need to know." You whispered happily, touching your glass to mine gently but with enough force it made an unpleasant sound that resonated harshly in the echoey room.

Eventually you stopped the bath and we both got undressed and sat down, you between my legs with your back towards my chest, sighing happily as the warm water embraced us both. "Talk to me Jamesy, tell me everything." You hummed in a deep sleepy voice that signified you had your eyes closed. I don't know if I feel bad about it, but I slowly began rubbing small circles on your hip as I began talking to you about the mundane things you already knew about, a gesture I knew made you fall asleep, this was so I could genuinely talk to you about things but not have to deal with the repercussions of upsetting you.

I told your sleeping soul about everything, the ALS and how my dad had messaged me asking if I were still gay, and how I was worried you were going to leave me in the middle of the night, and how I don't want to die and how I hate watching everything I love slip through my fingers. I told you about how much I loved you and how much it hurts me not being able to fix myself and how I feel as through I'm letting you down. I played with your hair and finished the bottle of wine (even drinking what was left in your glass as you weren't going to). I let my hands run up and down your body, in no way we're my movements sexually orientated, I just wanted to feel your skin against mine and I wanted to create a permanent feeling of you on my fingertips, I want to remember the curve of your hips and your washboard ribs and how your shoulders curve into your neck so softly but your collarbones are so harsh and straight.

I love you, and I'm so sorry you came home to such a state.

Love, forever,

James x