Floral And Fading || Jonnor AU || EDITING

Part Thirty One - Reality Check // Dying Isn't Glamorous

"Hey, uh, James." Adam sighed to me, pushing a brochure towards me with an advert for a flat circled in red sharpie, and it made my heart sink, I knew what he was going to say and I knew what it meant.

It meant that Adam thought I was too sick to look after myself, it meant that it was becoming obvious, it meant that I was truly close to death and that I'd have to face the reality of living alone and the reality of breaking your heart. I had to face Reality.

Tears welled in my eyes as I looked up at my best friend, i couldn't accept it, but I knew it was coming. I struggled to eat and walking was difficult, for the past month I had been walking with crutches whenever you weren't around, I wanted to hide it so badly but I knew I couldn't. It had been too long, it was time.

The thought of telling you broke my heart further as I continued to look up at my friend, shaking my head slightly with my hand over my mouth.

"Adam...I...I can't." I whispered "I'm so happy with him. I don't want you looking after me."

"...Tell him then." Adam sighed with a harsh tone in his voice "Get over yourself, tell him. Stop hiding behind fear. James you can't go on forever and you clearly only have about a year of normal function left before you're confined to a bed and dribbling on yourself. Tell your husband you're dying and let him care for you and begin mourning now. It'll be easier."

"No. I've gone this far, it'll hurt him more that I've hidden it for so long. He'll feel guilty for not noticing or asking, you know that. His heart isn't calloused like yours, he doesn't know heartbreak and he doesn't know pain like we know it. I don't want to say he's soft, but his heart is, you know Con." I replied, crying by now.

I hated describing you like that, but in this context it was right, I'd break you just with the thought that you missed something, let alone with the thought of you losing me in a year.

"...And anyway, I'm going to kill myself once I stop being able to walk. You know this." I snapped, my heart cold and my tone even colder. My best friend looking at me and sighing, seemingly not understanding.

"I'm putting the deposit down on the flat. It's up to you to make a cover up as to why you're going to be missing." Adam squinted harshly "Since you can't man up."

I couldn't believe the way my best friend spoke to me until I sat here and reflected. I deserved it, I wasn't being a man like I thought I was, I was being such a coward by not facing my problems, but I've run for so long now it's the only thing I know, I don't know how to stop for prolonged periods of time because I know everything will catch up with me if I slow down for long enough. This excruciating pace is the only thing keeping me safe, yet it seems ALS is speeding up and is nipping at my heels, the symptoms I was able to ignore are now so blatant I'd be a fool to ignore them. I've been in and out of hospital this week. Not that you'd know, you think I've been at work, and I'm so sorry for lying. But it's all I know.

My left hand has began to twitch and the muscles are atrophied and stiff, it hurts to hold a fork for a long period of time and it hurts to play guitar, i can't bare it anymore, I'm sorry. The way the muscles have deteriorated my relaxed hand position is now ever so slightly clawed, and I can't bare to look at it. The only way I can, is with your fingers filling the gaps and wrapping around them. It kills me that my wedding ring is on the hand I'm struggling with, it makes me feel as though I'm inadequate for you, i barely have the strength to carry dirty plates out to the kitchen, how a, I meant to carry you through life? How am I meant to be the man you need when I can't even look at myself.

"Adam...I'm sorry, you're right." I sighed "You're only doing what's best for me." I gave in, sitting back against the cushions of his couch "I'm just so terrified."

"Understandable." Adam nodded "Con's going to be home in an hour, let's get you back to him."

"Okay." I hummed, slowly standing up and steadying myself on my crutches before hobbling to Adams car, making sure I'm home in time for you, making sure everything seemed normal.

You were home by 5:20, I was on the couch watching Tv and basking in the cooler hours of the day. Strips of golden sunlight dancing on and warming my skin, Adam sat next to me.

"Hello Jamesy! Hi Adam!" You called out from the hallway, you hadn't come in to the living room and neither me or Adam had said a word.

"How did you know Adam was here?" I frowned as you, my husband, walked into the room, leaning over and kissing me hello before sitting in the small space between my feet and the end of the couch, your hand rubbing up and down my legs comfortingly.

"I could smell his cologne as soon as I walked in through the door...And his car is outside." You laughed a little, smiling a little as you did do. So oblivious to the conversation Adam and I had had in the hours prior to this happy meeting. "And you've been wearing the same three smells since you were 17, I know what you smell like. And I know what Adam smells like since I've probably spent more time around him than my family in the last five years."

"Fair enough." Adam grinned. He left around an hour after you got home, leave us cuddled on the couch. We didn't feel like cooking so ordered a Chinese and headed up to bed around midnight.

I love you,
And I'm so sorry for the isolation that's going to follow in the next few months.
I'm so sorry that I didn't deem the manner in which I'm dying glamorous enough for you.

Love, eternally.
James xx