Floral And Fading || Jonnor AU || EDITING

Part Five - Massage My Misery

The purest moments of our relationship are my favourite, they always have been, and perhaps that's because so much purity gets lost in a world that breeds nothing but hate, pain and anguish.

So today started as any other, I woke before you, you still happily encased in your dreamscape, to go and take my medication, I always did this in the early morning so that you never caught on, and so far, I've managed three months without waking you.

I poured myself a glass of orange juice as I do every morning and swallowed two of the sour little pills that supposedly stopped me from turning into an anxious mess, I could tell already that today was going to be a bad day when I felt my legs wobble as I stood at the kitchen counter, holding on to the side, breathing heavier than I would normally, to give myself time to recollect and reform, I poured myself a bowl of cereal and began eating, thinking over everything that had happened since I last wrote, I thought about you a lot. You smile, that one tooth in your smile that's ever so slightly turning the wrong way, making you ever so much more adorable and unique. I thought about your hair and how you liked having the tips bleached as if you were a boy straight out of a 2000's pop group, not that I minded, Backstreet Boys enlightened me on the true wonders of the male body.

I had my back facing to the door whilst I was eating, which is what made this moment so perfect. I was stood there thinking about everything that made me happy about you, and suddenly you appear without making yourself heard, only felt. Your cool hands gently pressed into the tense muscles of my shoulders, beginning to massage them silently, I jumped a little at the first unexpected contact but began melting into your rhythmic circles as they began slowly working their was down my back, paying particular attention to the centre, where you knew it got tight and painful.

"Good morning." You whispered to me, gentle kissing my shoulder "Why didn't you wake me up before you came down to eat? You know I hate waking up alone."

I know you hate waking up alone. I know you still get paranoid that I'm going to take off in the middle of the night and leave you all alone, leave everything we had behind.

You know I'd never do that to you, and yet you still worry.

I told you I was sorry, you replied with that you forgive me before stopping the small massage and stood next to me, picking up my spoon and stealing a mouthful of my cereal, pulling a weird face as you swallowed it.

I laughed a little and told you that there was so sugar on my cereal, as there never had been, you looked me dead in the eye and called me boring before quickly laughing and assuring me that you were joking and standing on your tip toes to quickly peck my lips but I was too fast for you, and dodged it. Although I was smiling I tried my best to pout and cross my arms against my exposed chest.

You smiled and tried to reach me again, but I turned to face the opposite way, again you rushed to stand in front of me, this cycle happened a couple of times before I quickly scooped you off of your feet and carried out of of the kitchen and into the living room bridal style, you laughing ever so cutely as I did. Whilst I tried my best not to show it, I struggled to carry you even that short distance, any further and I would have collapsed under your weight, not because you were heavy but because my muscles aren't what they were before, I remember nights on the pier, giving you piggybacks along until the end and then carrying you back, being so madly in love with you I didn't care what everyone around us was thinking we we laughed obnoxiously. One thing you taught we was that love doesn't have a volume knob, and that's the way it should be, uncontrollable, unpredictable and uncensored. But now, I know I'd struggle getting to the end of the pier, not falling if I were lucky, I don't think I'd be able to bare having to discretely hold onto the railing on the side, assuring you I was fine and 100% okay, I wouldn't be able to lie to your face like that, so Connor, please forgive me for not taking you out on dates as often once I get iller, I hope you'll understand, I really do hope you will.

I put you down on the couch, and towered over you, taking in the features of your face as if it were my last time ever seeing it, I loved the very faint freckles that bridged your nose and only showed up when you were close enough to you to feel your breath gently pulsating against my lips. I whispered that I loved you, I whispered and told you I was in love with you. You smiled back with a wide grin, and reciprocated.

The kiss that followed was one that was entirely new to me, and whilst I thought we had stopped discovering new things after 8 years of being together, but clearly not, it was so soft and gentle yet so meaningful, it felt like growing up and staying forever young at the same time, it felt heavy yet light, there was a burning question behind the kiss, and I don't know if you felt it too, perhaps you did, perhaps you didn't.

The only words that were running through my head were
Marry me.

And if I had been prepared for that moment, if I had thought it all through and bought the ring, I would have asked you right there and then to marry me. Nothing special needed, all I needed was you.

It's funny, I'll probably look back at this and laugh a little, that something so simple as us kissing in our living room, your adorable pyjama bottoms covering your legs, riding low on your hips, my arms ever so slightly grazing your bare sides, your breath gently on my lips and nose making the areas tickle and itch, but I didn't make a move to scratch the itch because I didn't want to disturb the moment. It's crazy that something that pure, pushed me to take the next step, this was the start of our future, and it's only now I'm reflecting, hours later, that I realise how exciting it really is, but also how reckless.

Can I really play with your heart that much?
Would I really be able to marry you knowing I was going to die?

But

Would I be able to die and never marry?
Would I be able to die and not experience the touch of my husband?
Would I be able to die and not see you walk up the aisle on what may be the happiest day of our lives together?

I don't know.

?