Floral And Fading || Jonnor AU || EDITING

Part Thirty Four - Funeral Of A Lifetime

Connor's Point Of View

I'm shaking. Physically, I'm a wreck. I feel Tristan's soft hand on my shoulder as I stare at the pale body of my husband, can I still call him that?, laid out in the most gorgeous suit, white roses around him.

"It's going to be okay." My friend whispers shakily "He's not in pain anymore."

"I know." I whisper, a small nod as a tear slips down my cheek, I try my hardest to hold it all in, I need to be strong, stronger than I hope I'll ever have to be again. Because it fucking hurts. It hurts like someone's ripped out my heart and stepped in it a million times over. It hurts like a fresh wound caused by a serrated blade through the back. It hurts like the darkest poison rupturing all my inner systems and causing all my organs to fail at once. It hurts.

I walk away from the coffin, unable to look any longer. I hear my mother in hysterics as I walk back to my seat, ,my brother quietly crying to himself, my father even holding back tears. Everyone in the room being pinned down by a dark ominous cloud. Everyone pays their first respects before the funeral director calls me up to make my speech.

I swallow down all my tears, I put on a stone cold expression, I exhale shakily as if I'm trying to exhale my pain.

"James. Where do I begin? He held my hand so tightly when I didn't know I needed it. He was the sun when I couldn't get away from the moon. He was more than just a man. He was my man, my first love, my only love, I loved him so deeply for so long and now he's gone-." I began to lose it, I couldn't keep my composure, I began to sob and fall apart infront of all my family and friends. Tristan rushed up to the front and wrapped his arm around my shoulder, telling me it's okay.

"Do you want me to finish it for you?" He whispered, I shook my head, swallowing my misery again, I'm the hopes it wouldn't be regurgitated.

"Go and make sure Brad is okay, I haven't seen him since he saw James." I whispered before straightening myself out.
"And now he's gone - but he's not missing, we know where he is, he'll live on, I'm photographs and videos and memories and most importantly In love. I have not one negative thing to say about James and all I remeber is a happy man who wanted the best for the people who meant the most, I saw an incredibly strong man that will be dearly missed by everyone who he came into contact with. I'll miss him forever, every single day of my life. I don't want to be here without him, but I'll soldier on, as he asked, and everyone here should take the tragic loss of the kindest man I've ever known as a lesson, don't suffer in silence. Please." I finished, quickly becoming a mess as I walked down from the podium and sat back down with my family, my father wiping tears from his eyes as I sat down.

Adam and my father both made brief speeches about my husband before everyone said their final goodbyes. Before filing out of the reception hall, not one talkative soul in the entire audience (which counted both of James' parents absent).

"I'm so proud of you Con." My mum said quietly, tears reforming in her eyes as she spoke "You were so brave and strong. I know how you're feeling right now."

"Please don't cry mum." I smiled gently through my own tears "James didn't want you to cry, he repeated so many times that he loved you."

"And that makes it so much harder." She sobbed, turning to my father, her husband, for comfort.

Her husband.

I wish I had mine for support.

Brad and Tris were waiting for me outside as I said goodbye to my family. My two friends agreeing to sleep at my house so we could all make sure we were okay.

I haven't gone into our bedroom since I was told. I can barely bare to live in the house, only one photo of us remains not turned face down and that's the one on his bedside table, as he left it.

I sobbed all the way home, I couldn't believe this was how my happily ever after ended, i couldn't believe he was gone.

He was gone.