What I Have Left

Ch.1

Picture on the side is Noah

****

"Honey come get ready to go to school."My mother says sweetly as she opens the door to wake me up.

I know what your thinking, don't you have am alarm to wake you up..Oh, I do and it goes off. I just don't have the motivation to actual do so.

I will. I said in my head. No one has heard me talk since the summer before 9th grade. I am senior now. 17 years old. I still feel worthless.

Over the years I have seen to many therapist to count on all my fingers. I am on anti depressants. They only have me feeling more numb than before.

That's one of the reasons I still cut. To feel something even if it is pain. I get to feel something self inflicted. Another reason is for Theo's friends.

Theodore.

I shook my head and started to get ready for another horrible day. I have to wear baggy clothes because nothing fits me anymore.

I stopped eating a lot a couple years ago. I just didn't see the need. When I do it I binge eat. That means I eat a lot then vomit it out by shoving my fingers down my throat.

It sounds nasty,but to me it is relaxing to know that not only am I emotional empty, but also physically as twisted as it seems I like it that way.

After getting dressed in some jeans and a simple tee I went downstairs. I gave a slight nod to my parents and walked to my car.

I got in and started to play Sia. She seems to understand me. To get every thought I have and put it into music. She feeds my soul something I cannot give.

Friendship

The music is my only friend because it total understands me and doesn't judge me for who I am or what I do.

Once I got to school I tried my best to stay hidden.

It didn't work.

I was slammed onto the floor. Since I was a little early not very many people were here.

"Oh, look the cock sucking fag is here." Cody, captain of the soccer team, Mr. Popular, and best friend stealer spat in my face. As you can we still don't get along.

While still in a daze from being pushed I felt a my lungs give. It became hard to breathe. "Look Mr.Queer can't spread his nasty fucking fag disease anymore, what a pity." Cody said sarcastically.

I never told them I was gay, but they caught me watching some gay movie on my laptop one day while I sat by a tree at lunch.

That kind of gives everything away.

I started pleading with my eyes to let go of the choke hold.

"I don't know what type of look that is but since you don't talk I would say you were asking for me to punch you." he looked pointedly at me.

I tried to shake my head but his fingers were restricting me from doing so.

"I will take the silence as a yes." Before I could do anything I felt my breath coming back then getting it blown out by punch after punch to my stomach.

"Help me out with this fag for a second."I heard Cody say. I think his friends finally arrived.

I felt a kick to my legs and arms. I knew this would last for a while. The teachers didn't really care at this school to come out of their classrooms and the students wouldn't tell on the star soccer players.

After what felt like hours upon hours of beatings ,it stopped. I laid there on the floor as I heard there feet retreating , leaving me alone in the hallway.

After making sure they left I made my way over to the bathroom to clean up. I would have gone to the nurse , but she would have called my mom and that would have made my mom even more sad.

Though my mother and I don't have the best relationship I don't want her to worry about me.

Sometimes I wonder why I am still on this earth walking without any place to go. I feel like I live without a meaning because I don't mean anything.

If I just ended it all I would be fine. Everyone would love me gone.

My parents would stop worrying about me.

The students wouldn't have to see me again .

To the teachers I would be one less person to grade.

For me to be at peace.

Though this sounds great I know I shouldn't. Even though it sounds so tempting just to get my pills and swallow them all, not just the daily dose.

With my thoughts I didn't realize someone else was in the bathroom stall.

"Hey are you okay?"I heard a familiar voice. I looked up and saw Theo standing by the sink. He looked worried. Not that I cared anymore. I don't care about much anymore.

I nodded and got ready to leave. I felt a hand on my arm and winced then pulled weakly for my arm to be released. I turned back around to face him and gave him a what do you want look.

"Sorry, are you sure your fine. Your limping."

I didn't even realize I was limping. How did he. I gave him a dead look and continued out.

Through out the day I continues my routine. Go to class. Do work. Leave class. Go to the courtyard by myself and read for lunch. Then continue classes. Then go home.

On my way home I was thinking about the run in I had with Theo. He has always been some what nice to me alone. I know its just an act though because when he is with his friends he hates me.

He probably pities me just like everyone else. He never beat me up, but he has called me names and sometimes watches me get beat by his friends.

It makes me sick to think how someone could just watch and not do anything.

Disgusting Bastard.

Once I got in I saw that my parents weren't home yet. So that means I could say I ate and not have to tonight. I didn't understand how oblivious my parents are.

I went into my room to get my quick fix.

My drug. My feelings. My razor.

I grabbed my box full of different kinds. I have small ,large, square, rectangle I got it all. My body was still weak from the beatings. Since I couldn't talk out my feelings. I cut them.

I sliced my skin and watched as the blood slowly dripped down onto my hardwood floor like how after a rain shower everything is still but that one last drop the drips of rain that slides down your window seems ten times more beautiful than the others.

I am the window and my blood is the rain.

When I was done I cleaned my mess and started my homework. I somehow still get somewhat good grades. Better than most.

When I was finished I took a shower and fell into a dreamless sleep, the best kind.

*****

There it is, the first Ch.1 I know it is slow, but bare with me it gets better.