W T F

Killer Legs

Edit: (me from the future who just read this whole thing and killed my remaining braincells)

This is just a collection of random scenes, so feel free to skip around if you've somehow ended up here by some chance and are a masochist. Like I said, I just reread everything I have on here and hoo boy it's a whole lotta WTF but I gotta say I think I like my later chapters more, but that's just the preference of my fraction of a braincell.

Oh also yeah don't plagiarize, not sure why anyone would do that, especially with the load of shit in here but yeah don't do it. Spreading shit is unsanitary and a terrible idea especially in these times with Covid 19 and all. Stay inside, wash your hands, and stay safe.

The original introduction:

So some people have been asking me to write a humor story or a story with a bunch of skits or something like that. So, here we are.

Dear everyone, this story isn't going to make sense... most likely since it's not exactly a story. It's just a bunch of scenes from Evan and Myra's misadventures, so don't expect it to flow or anything. They don't even go in order, and yeah, there aren't really any transitions between the scenes. It's just me trying to find cliche scenes and messing with them to make them as screwed up as me... like that's ever going to happen, ha. There'll also be random ass scenes that aren't cliche and are just plain weird. Enjoy, and if you find yourself confused, it's simply because *backs off into shadows* magic. Yup, even I didn't understand that. Anyways— prepare to cringe and not know what in the world is going on.

Proceed with caution... those of you who don't like Mr. Bean or just really dumb stuff will hate this. May the odds be ever in your favor.

Evan's brows lifted in surprise as I walked down the stairs in a considerably short, elegant but snug dress and heels. It wasn't often he saw me put some effort into my outfit, but hey- this was a rich people party with expensive food, and the only people allowed in were those who dressed to impress.

The things I do for food.

A smile overtook his features, and as I stood beside him, noticing his eyes sweep up and down my body, lingering on the legs.  

I sighed. "Out with it, you horny munchkin."

He grinned, leaning in closer, making his lips brush my ear as he spoke. "Killer legs- I mean, damn. They look so fat they would probably suffocate me if I carried you on my shoulders."

Oh, Evan is so romantic. In a flirtatious voice, I said, "Foreshadowing... forshadowing." Without sparing him a second to prepare, I leapt on his shoulders and proceeded to attempt strangling him with my thighs.

He choked and staggered before regaining his footing and setting me down on a three-level cake.

Finally seeming to notice the girl casually eating a cake she was sitting on, security guards in suits raced over to me, getting ready to drag me out.

Holding the cake to my butt, I jumped off the table and ran out of the mansion, Evan following at my heels.

Now outside in the cool night air, we laughed and rolled around in the grass under the night sky. Until it turned out it wasn't grass. No, ladies and gentlemen- we were rolling around in horse manure. 

I let out a war cry. "SAVE THE CAKE!"

Evan looked on. "It was chocolate cake, you know. And now it's mixed in with horse shit and what not."

A grin overtook my features. "WE ARE PIECES OF SHIT!"

"Yeah, yeah. I think it's time to take you home now." He helped me up. Arms swinging, we walked towards the sunset. Actually, only I walked towards the sunset as Evan had already let go of my hand, simply shaking his head.

"Myra, Myra. You're walking towards a fire pit. And I would recommend you stop unless you want to roast yourself alive."

I pouted. "B- but it's my home."

A look of incredulity appeared on his face. "You mean I'm not your home?"

I paused, scratching my head. In my moment of contemplation, Evan had somehow found a way to lead me away from the pit of fire, backing me up against a wall. 

Manure between us, the aroma of shit filling the air... how romantic.

After studying me with his dark eyes— oh wait does Evan even have eyes?— he dipped his head down to mine. Just as his lips were about to touch mine, I shoved my feces-covered hand between us.

"GAH! HERPES!"

End Scene

To those of you who survived, congrats. There's more to cum- ech hem, come. To the next chapter!