How Did We End Up Here? - A Phanfiction

Chapter Five

Phil had thought everything would be okay. He really had. But between the lack of sleep (which was better than before, but still not what it needed to be), the stress of taking care of an infant, trying to get back on track with uploading videos (though both he and Dan had announced that liveshows would be on a hiatus for a while), and the torrent of drama coming from the phandom, Phil was on his last nerve, and he sensed Dan was as well.

They didn't see each other much for a few days after uploading their announcement, one was generally sleeping while the other took care of Anna, worked on videos, and made sure the house was stocked with what they needed. They tried to have at least two meals together a day, but generally breakfast and lunch got thrown by the wayside in favor of sleep or chores that had to be done, and dinner was their only truly guaranteed time to spend together each day. When they did, they were both tired and grumpy, and Phil was generally left feeling more frustrated than he had before. He hated things being off between him and Dan, it was usually so easy, but now the word 'easy' felt foreign to him.

They went to bed together, but they slept on opposite sides of the bed, facing away from each other and Phil felt as if he were miles away from his friend. They tried filming another Bishi Bashi Special episode for the gaming channel on a Thursday, and they both tried to have a positive outlook about how the video was going, but when it came to editing they knew they couldn't upload it. Both of them looked dead behind the eyes, and the conversation was forced. It was mostly just strained silence with none of their usual playful banter. They deleted the footage.

Three weeks passed this way, and it was really beginning to take a toll on Phil. He felt that things should be getting easier - technically they were, him getting the hang of this whole parenting thing, and Dan doing the same, but things had never felt harder. He found Dan crying several times looking at old pictures of Alice, but his friend no longer allowed Phil to comfort him, pushing him away as he tried to hug his friend. They each uploaded a video separately during these three weeks, and neither made any mention of Anna. It didn't matter. Their fans definitely noticed that they hadn't uploaded a video together, and the theories were through the roof.

The most popular theory seemed to be that Dan and Phil were married (obviously, what Phan theories didn't include a secret relationship?), had agreed to take the baby, and were now living domestically and with a baby their affection was growing, finding it harder to hide their relationship so they were acting weird on camera, trying to keep the secret.

It couldn't be farther from the truth. Phil thought back over the past two months. Ever since the day of the shower had he really been happy? He'd had moments of relief, even moments of love with Anna... and she did make him happy. But something tugged at his gut, knowing that everything had changed that day, and he was worried that it'd never return to the way it was. Obviously it wouldn't because now he and Dan were raising a child... but more and more it felt like he and Dan were acting as alternating nannies. It was wrong, and Phil knew it was unfair to Anna, but he didn't know how to fix it.

Now, Phil was sitting at his computer, staring at a blank document, trying to think of an idea for a video he and Dan could film together. Even if one of them just made a guest appearance in the other's video, they just needed to post something with the both of them. He didn't know how much time passed before he heard Dan in the doorway.

"Hey I really need to get out of the house, can you take care of Anna tonight?" Dan didn't look Phil in the eye asked he talked, hovering right on the edge of the door frame.

"Sure." Phil responded. He didn't feel he was going to be able to sleep much anyways, his thoughts were racing and he knew his brain wouldn't allow for rest. The rest of the day passed slowly, quietly, Phil taking care of Anna when she needed care, feeling guilty for the disconnect he felt with the baby. His baby, he reminded himself. She still didn't cry much, but she was no longer making the little noises of happiness, and now just seemed confused. She hadn't been eating as much. He didn't know what to do.