How Did We End Up Here? - A Phanfiction

Chapter Twelve

When Phil entered the house, Dan was waiting for him. Dan pulled Phil into a hug that Phil didn't return.

"Hey, Phil, I'm sorry things have been weird the past day. I don't want things to be off between us." Phil didn't respond, and when Dan noticed that Phil's arms weren't wrapping around his back, he pulled away from his friend.

"Phil? You didn't bring me a coffee." Phil shrugged, not looking his friend in the eye. He felt wrong somehow. Like he had broken some agreement between the two of them, even though he knew that was silly, and he was allowed to be with a girl if he wanted. Dan eyed him for a moment, then reached forward, taking the hem of Phil's shirt between his fingers.

"Phil..." Dan started, becoming suspicious. "Your shirt is on inside out." Phil looked down to see that Dan was right. In his mad rush to leave that girl's house, what was her name? Elena? Elaine? Elise? He didn't remember. In the rush to leave her house, he must have pulled on his shirt inside out without noticing. He had been more preoccupied with the horror that he had just moaned Dan's name in his moment of climax. As that thought reached his head, Phil pulled away from Dan, refusing to look him in the eye, trying to shove that memory down into a box and lock it, never to be reopened.

He heard Dan release a shaky breath and saw his friend turn away from him, going to Anna's crib. He looked up at Dan now, and saw him looking down at Anna, stroking her arm up and down with his thumb, lips pressed tightly together in anger. Phil knew that Dan knew where he'd been, and while the logical side of his brain said that there was nothing for Dan to be mad at, Phil felt guilty, and deep down he knew there was. He didn't know why, but he knew that his friend was allowed to be angry with him. That this wasn't something they'd talked about, and that he shouldn't have done it.

There was a long silence.

"I'm going to sleep in my own room tonight." Phil informed Dan eventually, sighing and turning to leave the room.

"Good." was all he heard in response.

He lay in bed, staring at the ceiling. Why did he have to go and do that? And why for the love of god was it so wrong for him to have done it? Because he knew it had been wrong, but he didn't understand why. Yes, he'd be feeling guilty anytime for a hook-up, he didn't really like one night stands and the fact that he didn't remember her name made him feel guilty, but that wasn't why he was feeling so wrong. He was feeling wrong because of Dan. He had slept with that girl because of Dan. He had wanted to forget about him - forget about that kiss to Dan's cheek that kept racing through his mind. Why had that been so different? Why had that felt like it was breaking some rule? How had the two of them let their boundaries dissolve so much that they were in this place now? And why - why for the love of god had he said Dan's name when he was with that girl?

In the back of his mind, Phil thought he knew. He thought about how happy he was with Dan and Anna. About how faking their relationship didn't really mean actually faking anything, it just meant not holding himself back. About how those few touches - Dan's kiss to his cheek and then his hand over Phil's had sent waves through Phil's body, instead of comforting Phil, making him hunger for more. That was when he realized what a huge mistake he had made, and sunk into his pillow, wondering how they could progress from here?

Dan and Phil's careers tied them together. They lived together. They had a freaking baby together, so they were stuck. There was no getting out of this, and now Phil had gone and without even noticing, gotten a stupid fucking crush on his flatmate.

Phil slept. He was so done with thinking and worrying about everything, that he forced his brain to shut off, and he slept. He woke up around 9pm, and made his way to the kitchen to get something to eat, and of course Dan was there. Stupid fucking Dan with his hair all messy, shirt askew. Phil wanted nothing more than to wrap his friend up in his arms and for everything to be okay again, but he knew he couldn't do that. It was hard not to, however, when Dan looked so upset. Phil could see that Dan's eyes were puffy and his friend gripped the counter so hard his knuckles were white. Phil didn't want to stay here any longer than he had to, so he decided to just get a granola bar and return to his room. When he opened the cabinet next to his friend, Dan spoke.