y o u

✔confession: o n e

tell me,
do you
remember the first time, that I
ever saw you?

i ask you because,
i do, and
i do so, very vividly indeed.
so vividly that
the memory—
it almost is an anchor
holding me back to life.

i relive
and relive it
everyday.

i had a book clutched tightly between my shivering hands.
let it snow
and as the tiny bell, at
the door, rang through
the small waffle house, i
looked up to spot
y o u.

you were wrapped up
in a brown scarf,
and
a dark blue sweater,
one that barely left
any part of you
exposed.
but it still felt like
i could see through you—
all of you.
for maybe those clear shiny eyes—
those that
i could clearly
lose my world in and
i did, just that.

flakes of snow, had got caught
in the
thick fluff of
your jet black hair,
distinctly resembling specks of dreams caught in a dreamcatcher.

my heart leapt and
a wave of an alien feeling washed over me.

your hair looked all the more darker with hints of sparkling dust spread over it— the colour
much a contrast to the
powdery whiteness of the snow, that
slowly melted, and
dripped down your forehead, as
you walked further into the
warmth
of the waffle house.
and exactly that was the time when
your eyes
first met mine.
and everything else seemed to have stopped around us, all in a sharp blow of emotions spreading over my existence
making my heart beat, stop
in the moment,
they stayed.

you looked around hesitantly,
momentarily,
to spot not a single empty chair in the room
and then
your eyes fell over the one
across mine, and then they traveled up
to lock eyes with me.
with a smile at my direction, you
started towards
me.

oh dear, i think,
i might have smiled back, but
i don't recall much of my
actions from that evening, because,
my love,
i was only busy, memorizing
y o u
and every little detail of what makes you, you.

does that even make sense?

you ordered yourself a
cappuccino and
i ordered myself a cookie.
not a word spoken,
i continued to
read my book,
or at least,
pretended to,
as i continued to subtly steal glances of you
from over my book,
as you sipped on
your cappuccino.
even, sitting among all that hubbub of the crowd,
the place had felt so silent and lonely to me.
but then in a moment, when i looked up again maybe for the billionth time,
still expecting your beautiful, flawless face,
only the empty seat gazed back
at me.
and my heart broke with
a sharp pain spreading through my whole system.

my love, maybe i was
at least, excepting a word of goodbye, if
anything.

anything;
just anything that held a promise of
acknowledgement.

and i was surprised at my own daring act of hoping something so strange
...and stupid.

until then,
i didn't know
that this was how much, truly
expectations
h u r t.

but despite knowing it all
i couldn't still stop expecting.
despite knowing it all
i couldn't stop falling.
and i will be
honest with you:

the fall did hurt a lot.