y o u

s i x

i watched you
today,
as you
laughed along with your friends
during break.

you looked so
genuinely happy and
peaceful and
so very
out of my reach.

i won't lie to you.

that sure did cause me a
big pain, somewhere down
beneath my chest.

it was so suffocating to
breath in the
same air as
you were.

so i just
walked out of the canteen,
tears streaming down my flushed cheeks,
recklessly.

i don't think anyone noticed.
anyone, but nina.

she left your table and
came after me.

i don't know why exactly she
did that.

later, we also
sat together for economics
and mathematics.
she is a good person.
but
one thing that keeps annoying me is
she pities me.

she does
and i see it in her eyes.
she has sadness in them, when she
looks at me and
it is very irritating.

or, no
it is not that she is at fault.
it is just me
and my head.

it keeps screaming scary things at me
and
it is surely getting worse
with time.

have you ever
felt your body,
every tissue of it
screaming at your head
to just
stop for once?

i have.

but it still wouldn't.

i do not have friends in school
nor do i wish to have any.
because,
i do not want to annoy
any more people.

i am sick of this life, T.
i am sick of everything.

you don't know how it is like
when your own head
repeats disheartening things to you.

shows you bright things, once
and then
when you know, it is
but illusion only.
the pangs return.

you don't know how it is like
when your own family isn't yours
anymore.
because you shoved them away,
in the first place.

shoved them to some
dark, unreachable place
in your head.

you don't know how it is like
when
you're only breathing and working everyday,
but not living at all.

you don't know how it is like
when you've finally accepted your present
and future
and you don't see any trace of happiness
present in any.