Haunted

Chapter Thirty-Two

It's quiet for a long time.

I drift in darkness, but it's okay. It's peaceful, nothing is bothering me. I'm content to be here, to just let the current take me wherever it wants. I can't see anything, but it doesn't matter, I don't feel threatened.

I never used to like the dark, but now I find comfort in it.

I'm not sure how I got here, or what's happening to me. It's strange, but really, I can't recall anything at all. There's nothing for me to really think about, I can't hear anything, feel anything... I'm lost in nothingness.

I can't tell where my body is, or if I even have one. I know that isn't right, that I should be worried, but I'm not. I don't care. I like this, not having to be concerned, not having to worry. I don't care if I ever leave this place, if I ever open my eyes, or find myself.

Spending time here is pleasant.

It's better than what I'm used too; I feel like I'm always surrounded by chaos, that I'm fighting it, trying to keep a normal life. Everything I do is a struggle, every move I make is the wrong one. I end up burdening someone, making their life more difficult. 

That feeling of being unwanted never left me as a child.

I'm not afraid of being alone, I rather enjoy solitude. No, I'm just... I don't always like being alone. I want to be around people sometimes, but I want them to want me there as well. I want them to be happy to see me, to smile, to greet me warmly. I want someone to hold my hand, laugh with me, cherish the time we spend together.

Why is it so hard to find that?

Why is it so hard to make any kind of connection with anyone?

I came to the conclusion a long time ago I'd never have anything like that, and it seems I was right. If I wasn't, I wouldn't be wherever I am right now, coasting in the blackness surrounding me.

Is this what not existing is like?

Well, I suppose that's not true. If I didn't exist, my consciousness wouldn't be able to, well, know it. I'd just be gone, so obviously I must still exist.

Am I alive?

Am I dead?

I don't know.

I can't remember anything.

I can't remember faces, or voices... I'm having a hard time trying to recall my name.

How long have I been here?

Is this some sort of limbo?

I'm not good at limbo, I can't hold my balance. I've always been kind of clumsy.

Hmm.

Well, I suppose I should figure out where I am. As much as I enjoy the space, I want to understand it. What do I remember? How could I have gotten here?

Everything is just blank.

Nothing is calling out to me. I can't remember anything, not past waking up here, in a sense. Surely... surely....

I don't know.

I can't figure out what's happening, and I can't seem to think, either! It's like when I do, there's some kind of block, hiding all the knowledge from me. 

Huh.

I don't like being left out in the dark.

Heh, well, maybe that's not the right words to choose.

I like knowing what's going on around me, having some sense of control.

Here, I have none.

It's unnerving.