i was broken | c.s.

17. don't forget about me

cole sprouse

may 13th

3

2

1

recording.

i close my eyes.

i need to breath.

i already wanna cry.

"hi." i manage to breathe out.

my voice already cracking from me trying to keep back tears.

"i don't know if you guys found this but.. if you cared enough..you probably will." i wipe some rebel tears away.

"um.." i'm shaking. so much, "all i can say is i'm so so sorry.."

i look at my reflection in the mirror across from me, behind the camera.

i look like such a mess.

my dyed, dark brown hair a mess.

extremely noticeable bags under my eyes.

a dirty white tank top i've been wearing for days.

revealing the cuts on my arms.

i haven't eaten in days.

i realize i'm still being recorded and get back to it.

"i know.. it's wrong of me to do this to you."

tears starting leaving my eyes uncontrollably.

"but i need to do this. i can't take living anymore. i'm sorry. i'm letting you down. i'm doing what i always do."

i pause.

"i'm just disappointing you."

i run my hand through my greasy hair.

"the only thing i'm good at, huh?" a sad chuckle slips out, mixed with a sob.

i look down at my hands.

"just.. don't let this happen to yourself. please. i can't stand the thought of one of you killing yourselves."

i laugh bitterly to myself.

"so hypocritical.. here i am, absolutely ready to kill myself.. and i'm telling you guys it's not the answer."

i let some tears flow out and tightly scrunch my eyes shut.

"don't let anyone steal your happiness. not yourself. not your family. not your friends. not someone you trust dearly, nor a stranger. not me. don't let anyone take away your light. or your freedom. don't let any-fucking-body take away your love. and your belief in love. don't fucking let anyone ruin you. like i let everyone ruin me."

i let all these words roll off my tongue.

no filter.

"i don't want any of you making the mistakes that i made. somehow driving yourself to despise yourself more than you usually do. looking in the mirror, and seeing a monster. my vision was clouded with the hate i had for myself and i said some bitchy things. i said some things that i deeply regret. i did some things that i deeply regret. my life went in a downwards spiral. i mean.. my mental health had been getting worse ever since i was like.. what? 12? 13? it's been too long. you know that when you bottle your feelings up they just get worse. and worse, and worse and worse. now they're at a point where i absolutely cannot stand another day."

i grip at my wrist and it's fresh cuts, kind of wincing.

"i just don't want to burden you guys with my feelings. i'm supposed to be the happy, funny one. the one who's always smiling. because i need to smile for you to smile. i don't wanna worry you about my mental health because i need to take care of you guys and make sure you're okay. genuinely. i don't have time for talking about me because i need to make sure every one of you are doing good."

i take a shaky breath.

"there are things.. severely wrong with me that i refuse to get help for. and.. i just want you guys to do the complete opposite of what i did to cope. don't resort to smoking and drinking to deal with your problems. you get worse. believe me. i have lost the will to live. to love. to breathe. to do anything. it takes me so long to get out of bed. you wouldn't even know. everyday in the morning i've been having to tell myself; 'not today, cole. don't kill yourself. they need you. they need you to keep them happy.' but today. today i've failed. because i'm gonna do it. i don't know how many times i have to apologize for you to forgive me.. but, i am so fucking sorry, guys.. you don't understand how sorry i am. the amount of pain and guilt in my heart is enough to make the world miserable for a century. it's so heavy."

the tears have not stopped falling.

"bye, guys. i'll see you on the other side. don't forget about me, i love you."

i reach my hand out, covering the lens, and simultaneously pressing the button to stop the recording.

it's time to go.

— ≛ —

authors note

this was honestly probably my favourite chapter to write..um, yeah, well.. i'm gonna go continue writing my other stories and maybe, hopefully, get one out soon?  it'll most likely be a destiel one, sooo, yeah. i love you guys!

- s