i was broken | c.s.

16. books, books and.. hey, more books.

kj apa

8:00pm, may 23rd

"17/03/17

i'm so perplexed. i can't understand my feelings anymore. my attraction has been everywhere. i don't know. mom and dad say it's wrong. i don't think it is. my 2 best friends like the same gender. it's not wrong. but they think it is. i can't talk to them about it.. yet. i know my friends would accept me. but i can't. you need to accept yourself before finding acceptance from others. i can't talk about my feelings to them until i accept myself. and love myself. and that's hard. i don't know how to. so i don't know how long it'll be until i actually tell them. about anything. my confusion on my sexuality, my anxiety, my depression, my suicidal tendencies. nothing. i have to keep it all to myself until i love and accept myself. if i make it to that day. i keep trying to send them signals about all of those but they just won't get them. i make blatantly obvious jokes about digesting bleach. lots of the things i'm doing is a goddamn cry for help but they don't get it. i wish they would get it. why don't they get it?" 

"we were really stupid." i admit.

"yeah," madelaine agrees, "how didn't we see it?"

"i don't know.." lili looks at her hands in shame and guilt.

camila puts her hand on lils thigh in a comforting way.

"28/03/17

yeah. at this point i'm sure. i'm bisexual and i fucking hate it. why can't i be straight? or gay? only like one gender, you know? it's not fair that i have to like both, so many people don't believe in bisexuality. everything's so atrocious. i wish i was one of those people who just accepted themselves. not one that belittled themselves over every fucking quality. i hate everything about myself. and people are right. i am a bad actor. i can't fucking act. i don't know why people like me. i'm not even that funny. i wish i could leave but i'm trying. i'm trying to stay for them. they're all i have. i don't know what i'd do without them.. it's crazy how sometimes the best people can enter your life in perfect timing. i was ready to give up. but they helped me survive longer. it's getting worse, though. my mental health. i've been having several breakdowns and anxiety attacks. one more month. try. try try try. maybe two. whatever you can, cole. TRY. don't let everyone down again."

he never let us down..

he kept my spirits high.

and he is not a bad actor.

i wish i could tell him that..

"28/04/17

i have to try. i need to try. i'm bisexual and there's nothing i can do to change that. i'm gonna tell mom and dad. tomorrow. it's a plan. i can't back down. no matter how much my anxiety eats at me. i have to do it. maybe they'll change their mind about the LGBT community afterwards. i'm their son, people should love their kids no matter what.. right? i know they prefer dylan, but.. they don't hate me. i think. they're usually direct with their feelings but they've never told me they hate me. so i don't think they do...  but who knows.. they could be holding back their feelings for all i know. like i am. several emotions bottled up, exploding out every once in a while. but never around others. until being caught and locked up once again. like a bird locked in a cage. it'll take every chance it can to get out but it'll be caught eventually and brought back. also, it's been a month. you're doing good. maybe even better. who knows. maybe you're figuring something out. hopefully that'll continue."

i hear lili choke back tears.

she must be thinking the same thing i am.

if only he knew..