Silver King

Chapter 21 - Mare

I exit the room as everyone is still debating about whether this is bad or horrible. I'd bet my money on horrible, but then again that's just me. I let them talk because it reassures them but honestly, it's all pretty pointless. Technically, the elections can happen without a speech from Cal or whatever. It'll be all right. Won't it?

I've scheduled an appointment with Cal's psychologist in just about ten minutes, so I waste no time and go to see him. Even though I dread it, I want to know how much he knows. How much he doesn't know.

I push open the door and walk in hesitantly.

" Ah, Miss Barrow, come on in. "

" Dr. Erend. I'm sorry, am I early? "

" A little bit, but that's all right. I'm ready for you. "

I sit down on the chair opposite it.

" Is he all right? What does he remember? "

He frowns slightly, observes his papers.

" Miss Barrow, I understand this might be difficult to hear - "

" - I know it will. But I'd rather know than have fake hopes or imagine worse than what's true. "

" That's... very brave of you. I'm afraid that Tiberias Calore's memory has been erased from a very long time. He has no memory whatsoever of anything relating to the preparation of Queenstrial. We think his memory of the last 3 years has been erased, so everything about his life not being exactly as it was always intended when he was born is completely gone. We advise you not to tell him anything about it yet. It might be such a shock that it would kill him. "

" Then I shouldn't see him at all? "

" No, no, a presence should be all right. Don't tell him who you are exactly. You can say you entered Queenstrial. You met there. Tell him that if he asks. No, being with you may trigger his memory back. That would be good. "

" All right. " It's a lie, but all right.

He'll think I'm Silver. He doesn't even know there is such a thing as newbloods. At all. The idea that I have to be near him, like a stranger, pretend we didn't have anything going on, again, is intoxicating. I can't do it, not again. But it's the only way I can see Cal, make sure he's all right, so it's a torture I'm gonna have to take.

" Can I see him? "

" Of course. Just wait a minute, I'll ask him if he wants a visitor. "

" Wait! Just a second. Does he know his parents are dead, that his brother is dead? Because I don't want him asking questions to me and have to lie like that. "

" He knows. He doesn't know how. Don't tell him. "

" Ok. " I sigh, relieved.

He leaves the room a few moments, then comes back.

" You can come see him. "

I stand up, push the chair back, and walk to Dr. Erend. I follow him outside and across the small hall, my breath short. He opens the door and stands aside to let me in. I take a hesitant step in. I look back at him, and he nods at me. He closes the door softly, so softly I wouldn't notice it had been closed if I wasn't looking right at it. I turn around, back to Cal's back.

He must feel my glare because he turns around and stands up to walk to me.

" Hello. " I blandly say.

" Hello, Miss Barrow, is it? "

" Call me Mare. " I murmur.

He nods, and I know he's heard me.

" I'm sorry, by the way you look at me, it looks like I've hurt you. Have I? "

I catch my breath. I think about the time he chose his crown over me, left me crying and decided to get away from me. When he ripped my heart out.

" No. "

He seems relieved, he's so scared of what he's done to other people. Somehow, I wonder what he could have really done to other people if he'd gone down on the path he should have. How many people would've died if it had all gone according to plan, if I hadn't turned up and wrecked it all? But then again, the reason I turned up was because of his generosity, so maybe he did decide of his own path after all.

" Were we close? " he asks, so silent that I barely hear him.

I think about all the moments we share, the kisses, the secrets, the nights cuddled together to manage to sleep.

" Yeah. "

He drops his head down, visibly torn apart.

" It's not your fault. " I murmur, reaching out to brush his shoulder with the tip of my fingers.

He looks up a little, his bronze eyes burning through me.

" I knew it. Somehow, I don't know how, I knew that you were someone important. I'm so sorry. "

He buries his head in his hands and sits on his bed. My heart breaks for him.

" Hey... " I say softly, and I sit down beside him.

I lay my hand on his, and slowly drag them down, back on his lap. He looks up at me.

" Tell me everything. "

But I can't. So I look at him sadly and stand up, giving all the tenderness I can in my eyes.