Roommates

Scar Tissue

Tris
Early November

For a week now, Eric and I have been getting along great. The only thing that has still been really problematic is my sleep; ever since visiting my parents' graves, I have had nightmares about the night they died. The first week it was almost every night, but now it's tapering off to two or three a week, so I guess I can still be glad for the improvement. Unfortunately, I am also still reliving that kiss with Four some nights in my dreams. But especially with how much better my relationship with Eric has been, I try as hard as I can to push aside my feelings for Four.

I had asked Eric to sit down and have a discussion with me last Saturday, two days after my serious talk with Tori. He had to get to a study group and didn't have the time, but promised we would talk the following day. Well, "tomorrow" came and went-- three times. Finally on Tuesday, I got fed up with his excuses. I summoned up every bit of strength and control and I did not get angry, I was just very firm. I told him he had put me off long enough and that now he needed to cancel his plans with his friend and talk to me. After a little more argument, he did.

And when I spoke, he listened. We talked about how I feel when he doesn't consider my needs, and we discussed the way he speaks to me-- that I frequently feel like I am not smart enough, not thoughtful enough, just not enough... that I feel like I am always failing. While Eric told me, as usual, that he doesn't mean it that way, I didn't back down, and he finally seemed to understand that my perception is just as important as his intentions. If he loves me, he should care about my feelings. We both made a commitment to really listen to each other, and to own our feelings.

We discuss our expectations when it comes to chores around the apartment. I have been so hesitant to bring it up, I'm staying here for free. And the thing is, I really don't mind doing Eric's laundry, or cleaning the kitchen... but I don't like being commanded to do so. We came to the conclusion that we need to be sure we are remembering to appreciate one another more.

The last topics were more difficult. I have noticed that Eric is mean and irrational when he drinks... which he does nearly every night. Eric's need for control has also become a bigger and bigger problem over the last few months, and I don't know any simple way to handle either of these problems. We're still working on a plan for these things, as Eric doesn't want to go to meetings and insists that he doesn't have a problem with alcohol. I'm not sure if he does or not, but he has been drinking a lot less since our talk, and I can only be thankful for progress.

I walk down the tenth floor hallway with a bounce in my step. My spirits are high after such a low-stress week, and it's an unseasonably warm, sunny day. Eric is off tonight and I usually can calm down faster from any nightmares I might have if he's there with me, and I'm excited about the photography project I will be working on this afternoon. I need a male subject to take candids of, and Eric agreed. It will be great-- I'm really looking forward to spending the afternoon with my boyfriend, doing fun things outdoors and doing what I love: taking photos. It will be such a perfect afternoon.

In the apartment, I find Eric sitting on his bed, tying his shoes. I grin at him and lean in for a kiss.

"Well, looks like you're ready to go! I'm so excited, this afternoon will be a lot of fun, I--"

Eric cuts me off. "Actually, Tris, can we reschedule? Peter has tickets to the Bulls game, I'm actually leaving in like fifteen minutes."

I'm stunned. He said he'd help me, and we were supposed to spend time together. "But... but this project is due Friday, Eric, and you and I are both working tomorrow."

"So? We'll do it Thursday."

I shake my head. "No, that's too late. I can't just turn the photos in raw, I need time to edit them. It's not really a fast process, Eric." I work hard to keep the anger and hurt out of my voice.