Roommates

Show Me Your Soul

A/N:  The song referenced is Red Hot Chili Peppers' "Show Me Your Soul"... hence the title of the chapter.  Also in case anyone wondered, about halfway through writing this story I finally came up with the idea to use song titles as chapter titles.  

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Four
Early December

In a world that can be so insane
I don't think it's very strange

After Zeke's little lecture about the music I've been listening to yesterday, I thought that if I was going to lay on his couch with headphones in, it was time to at least appease him by listening to the music I have been avoiding. And I quickly see that yes, there is a reason I have been avoiding my favorite band. It makes me think about Tris. And even worse, after that party last night, I have fresh material to ruminate on. Usually a hangover like this helps provide a little distraction, but not today. My pounding headache makes me more miserable, but no less focused on the girl I am trying desperately not to think about.

For me to be in love with you
I wanna know more than your brain

Usually I try to get my mind on something else right away. But it seems that the subjects of Red Hot Chili Peppers and Tris Prior are now hopelessly entwined in my mind. I remember seeing Tris dancing so close to that asshole with the piercings. What I saw later was worse.

Into my life you were injected
Not something that I expected

I feel like meeting Tris turned my whole life upside down. There's no denying it. I was jealous. And Zeke and Uriah, idiots though they are most of the time... well, they weren't wrong about any of it. I am, as Zeke said, hopelessly in love with her. But when I found out that she had seen her boyfriend screwing my girlfriend... and she didn't say a word about it... I felt like I was nothing to her. Not even worth a thought. To care so much for her and none of that to be returned... it really hurts.

Now I smile from your affection
We have made a soul connection

Could there be a reason, other than simply not caring much about me, that Tris didn't tell me? The truth is, I haven't wanted to find out. I don't want confirmation that she doesn't love me, and I worry that there could be a multitude of other reasons that would hurt me, too. "A soul connection"... that's what I feel with Tris. What if that's one-sided?

So I have stayed away from her, made sure to stay angry at her, because she has so much power to hurt me.

Just for whom does your bell toll
Don't be cold show me your soul

But she's not the one who has been cold, is she? I am. All because I'm too cowardly to face the truth, whatever it may be. Seeing her kissing Ryker last night left me with a freshly broken heart, though it hadn't yet healed from the last blow. I cringe at the thought that she might have gone back to one of the bedrooms with him after I walked out. I hope she wouldn't, but really, my ignoring her is only going to guarantee that at some point, she does move on with someone who isn't me.

Move on. She was never mine to begin with.

I tried to "move on" last night, with that girl by the punchbowl, the one who looked nothing like Tris. I can't even remember her name; if anything, it just made me pine over Tris even more. Nora? Nina? Yeah, that's it, I think it was Nina. Not like it matters. Making out with her didn't help. I'm glad that Uriah tripped and spilled his drink all over her before we ever made it up to a bedroom. I'm positive I would have regretted that this morning. I suspect that his little spill may not have been entirely accidental.