Benefits

Ch 15: Blue Jeans

Blue Jeans- Lana Del Rey

"Promise you'll remember that you're mine. Baby can you see through the tears."

---

I took the deal. I agreed. I said yes. I agreed for Jake to do whatever he wanted whenever he wanted with my body, and I the same.

I sat in front of my laptop. I wrote the rules down; I had to. I had to, so I can remind myself of how idiotic I am.

1. He calls me, I pleasure him. I call him; he pleasures me.

2. This benefits agreement would last from September to the end of December.

3. We can't do it at his house.

4. It can't intervene with school.

5. He'll take my virginity.

Am I okay with it? I'm okay with him taking my virginity? I was just so afraid that I was never going to be ready for him. I know it was going to happen though. I was scared. The intimacy was going to be created between us. It would probably just be a quick fuck to him, but it would be everything for me.

6. He has to tell me all the reasons why he wears his sunglasses.

My personal favorite one. Now he has to tell me. I just wanted to know. Call me nosy, and I don't care.

7. We can see other people.

Another rule that made me feel uneasy. This is for him; no one would ask me out. It made my stomach turn, but I agreed to it. This wasn't jealousy. I wasn't hurt, but why do I feel?

8. He's kinky and not affectionate. (Not really a rule.)

9. We can't fall in love with each other.

That rule didn't frighten me as much as I thought it would. I fall in love with him? Him falling in love with me? Ha! We could barely speak with each other.

Last rule.

10. People can't know about us.

Meaning, I couldn't tell Lauren or Alice. They are literally my only friends. And I guess now Reese, but I couldn't trust her with that 'secret' anyways. We just started talking. Now I don't even have the option to tell anyone.

I was terrified at that moment. I was going to do intimate things with Jake. Jake the player. The one that fucks around with girls for a living, but he wanted me. Every first moment was going to be with him, and he was going to take it gratefully.

I couldn't deny the want and need between us physically, if he felt the same way, then why stop? It was physically lust with nothing else involved in the mixture.

How many rules would we break?

.

The weekend goes and comes in a hot second. I didn't get any call from Jake.

Everything was restarting. Rumors were forgotten and made. Lauren came to my house this morning. She had five cupcakes that spelled sorry. Eyes were red-rimmed. Of course, I forgave her in a heartbeat. She was my best friend. It just hurt to know that she thought of me as judgmental, but I understood her completely.

Secrets are made to be kept hidden in fear of people judging the truth, and I'm the one to know about secrets.

The difference was I was her best friend, so she should be able to trust me as much as I trust her. It was just a bump in a road we'd have to go through.