Benefits

Ch. 20: Dressed In Black

Dressed In Black- Sia

"Life had broken my heart into pieces. You took my hand in yours."

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Today was Friday, and I found myself doing nothing of the sorts. Jake was acting weirder than usual, and he actually said hi to me in class. I discovered his chair closer to me than ever before. And one of his legs was under mine, I wanted him to get the fuck off, but he seemed jittery today like if he'd seen a ghost, so I left him be.

Later that day, I laid in my bed freaked out of my mind. Dad got home this afternoon, but he'd been in bed since then. He probably won't wake up until the morning. Again, I was happy about it. It was a long trip for him, and he seemed tired.

My low light was on, with Twenty One Pilots playing in the background, and I didn't know how to feel at that moment. I was nervous about Jak- I mean Dawson's date. But again, my mind kept going back to Jake.

My phone starts to ring, and I see the contacts. Speak of the devil.

"Hi," I answer.

"Hey." He seems drained as ever as he got in 20 fights or something. "Are you home?"

"Yeah." I already know why he's calling me, and I find myself getting giddy again.

"Well, I want to come over."

"Is that a question or a statement?" He seems too demanding at times; it's quite annoying.

"Both."

"I'll leave the window unlocked." My voice is filling with excitement. I furrow my brows. "I mean, I'll leave the window unlocked," I say calmer. He doesn't say anything but hangs up. I stare down at my phone. "Goodbye to you too," I mumble to myself.

"Dawn?" I hear an older familiar voice outside my door. My dad.

"Come in," I say while I pause my music.

He enters slowly. "Hi." He stands by my door.

I wave to him. I'm cold to him. I've been colder with him through the years; it should be the opposite.

"Well um, I didn't eat dinner, and I was wondering if-"

"I ate already."

"Oh." He looks down at his feet.

I realize how cruel I'm with him, and decide to take it down a notch. "How was your trip?" I stand from my bed with a fake smile and hug him quickly.

"Tiresome." He says sleepily.

Again, there's still silence, and I don't know how to break it. I know he feels the same. "Well, I'm just going to bed now... again. I'm more tired than hungry." He smiles sadly at me.

He walks backward out of my bedroom door. "Goodnight Dawn."

"Goodnight." I shut the door in his face and lock it.

I close my eyes to try to concentrate on what I am doing. Time and time again I've rejected my father. I know I make him feel like shit half the time. I feel bad about it, but I don't know how to forget about it entirely. Whenever I see my dad, I want to run away from him and hug him at the same time. I always do the latter because I do miss him. It feels like he's been gone for years now.

And ever since then, ever since the beginning I forgave him, but the forgiveness has faded when I remember the bruises. The black eye. The blood on my mom.

I feel it again, the anxiety that I had closed up for such a long time coming back. 1,2,3,4,6,7,8,9,10. I click my fingers.