hidden life - septiplier

I'm sorry

This isn't a chapter and i just want to say that I'm so sorry. I don't know what for.
For existing.
For fucking up.
For being a fatass.
You guys don't know me and trust me when I say I want to meet all of you so much. I'm afraid that if I ever do meet you which is very unlikely, i would fuck something up and people will get annoyed. Because I am the most loudmouthed annoying girl I know. If you could even say I'm a girl because I don't "act like one" or I have deeper voice. I've spent my whole life trying not to talk to people and trying not to fuck everything up. And when i do I freak out after wondering if they'll ever want to talk to my faggot ass ever again. And I'm gay.
There i said it.
I think I'm so totally gay.
And I shouldn't feel ashamed but I fucking do because that makes shit so much harder. Especially when i have a crush who makes me so happy but she probably isn't even gay. I hate crying so hard that I lose my voice. I hate having to curl into a ball to stop myself from cutting. I hate wishing that I could sleep because it as close as I'll ever get to death, because when I'm asleep, I'm safe. I'm happy. And for a moment I don't exist. And that's all I want to do. Is just not exist. For everyone to forget that I was even a thing. I WANT to be thrown away. I'll be hurt sure. But others won't. When I'm gone they won't miss me. They can just live a normal life.

I'm not normal.
I'm fat.
I'm stupid.
I'm ugly.
I'm useless.
Worthless.
A wierdo.
Crybaby.
A fucking mess is what I am.
I'm such a fucking mess that I can no longer think straight. And I want to say that if you know me and your reading this. Just know that if you come close to me. You will be hurt. Annoyed. angered.
It's just not good.
I don't know what to do any more.
I'm not going to kill myself even though I think about it almost every day.
I'm just going to keep on living, pushing everyone away, and I'm hopefully going to be alone.
That's how I belong.

I'm going to a different college to get away from my best friend. So she can have a normal life. With mentally secure friends. she helps me forget my pain but she dosent need to deal with me. If I go to the same college as her then that's selfish. And yes that's called pushing people away but it's for their own good. Therefore I can just rot away in piece.
I'm thinking of seriously cutting down my calorie intake to around 500 a day. And every week I'll go down. Because I'm getting really fat and i look hideous.

So my point is to just say sorry for everything I have done in life including being born. Because one day it will become unbearable and that day will be the day that I finally drink bleach and cut an artery. I have it planned. And my friends probably reading this right now and she's going to tell someone so I'll probably be scolded by my mum and dad and sent to fucking group therapy so wish me fucking luck. I'm gonna need it. I'm probably going to delete this tomorrow but if your still reading j want to say thank you because your comments have lifted my head many of times and my self confidence had become slightly higher. But now I feel as if I'm drowning. But I'm accepting it. I don't want help.
I don't want therapy or a doctor.

I want love.
Not a motherly love.
But love.
But I'm unlovable and the only person who makes my day brighter is held down by my depressing ass.

I need to let go.
I need to let myself drift away.
Not die but just fade.
Until I'm a mere memory in my loved ones minds.

I need to let go and stop worrying about consequences. Because they mean nothing in the end.

Nothing means anything.
Just like i mean nothing to anyone.