A Wager Of The Heart

72. The final blow

:::Charity:::

I walked slowly to my room, leaving every one of them behind. It felt like an eternity passed since the night before. I had been handed the world and then it was snatched ruthlessly out of my reach. I wasn't even sure what I said or did that stole Kent away from me. My heart pounded so forcefully within my breast, each beat sending pain to every part of my body. He wouldn't even stay in the same room with me anymore. When I arrived early this morning in the library, full of hope, he took one look at me and excused himself. It wasn't even his leaving that robbed me of my breath. It was the look in his coal black eyes. I was the center piece in a room full of things he hated. 

I managed to traverse the day with grace even as every smile cost me a piece of my soul. Bastion and Mrs. FitzPatrick returned from a trip I hadn't realized they'd left on to announce they found a suitable house within riding distance. They would meet with their respective people to finalize the sale and marriage agreement in the next few days. One of my soon to be step-brothers kicked my shin when I ignored his request for an innocent game. 

I thought this idea of marriage would be my doom, that life couldn't continue if Bastion really did follow through with it. I laughed as I pushed the door open and entered my room, illuminated only by the setting sun. You couldn't crush a heart that was nothing more than a pile of ashes in my chest. I walked to the window and sat down. I should have called to get a fire started but I didn't have the heart for company at the moment. I excused myself from dinner and planned to stay in seclusion until I could understand the feeling of betrayal coursing through me. 

I laughed harshly at myself as I pressed my face against a pillow. "You could never belong anywhere bastard." I said into the intricately stitched pattern of a flower. I held my breath in an attempt to stem the flood of tears I could feel coming. I was stuck between the reality of my crushed dreams and the promises of a life I could have had. To marry and love a man more dear to me than I even imagined anyone could be. To be more than a bastard, or my father's shame or Geri's burden, to be myself and be loved and belong despite my past. I saw the anger in his eyes again and the tears flooded down my face. 

My only hope of surviving the future lay in the truth of Kent's assessment about Geri's feelings. I hoped he was right and Geri had merely pretended to keep me happy. I knew in the part of my mind still capable of rational thought that was a lie. Geri wouldn't be capable of fabricating the look of deepest love and devotion when she declared herself to me. Moreover she isn't prone to lying to me. I still held a hopeless hope that at the end of the summer we would leave this house and never see that handsome devil again.

I would tell her everything and she would help me understand that a man who can change his heart so easily isn't worth giving my heart to. She would hold me as I cried and help me find purpose, there would be no more secrets between us ever again. I shook my head again as more tears fell and I muffled the sound of my sobs with the pillow. My heart knew the truth of hers and I would lose her when she married him. I couldn't be selfish enough to demand she not marry him and come with me.

I buried my face deeper and held my breath. I should have been able to handle this better than wasting my time crying. I have suffered the hurtful abuses of Ursula and I didn't cry about that. I suffered under Kesler's thumb but I'd never felt this desolate. I spent my entire life knowing no more of my mother than the fact that she ruined my father's life but I have never been this lost. The sun setting proved that even if you wish the time to stop, the world went on anyway.

I gasped in a breath when my screaming lungs and fuzzy mind broke through my self-control. Kent was the worse pain I'd ever experienced but he wouldn't be the end of me. I took a steadying breath until the pain subsided in my lungs and I lowered the cushion down so I could see clearly.