A Wager Of The Heart

81. Talk about irony

:::Kent:::

I grabbed my already aching jaw as I tried to understand what just happened. I'd been unforgivable, lashing out and hurting her as much as I could. But why? I didn't want that! I'd waited for her to appear in the library and followed her because I needed to seek redemption. I lost my composure as I heard her intoxicating laughter and saw her beautifully shining eyes. How could she pretend like the last year hasn't been a living hell? How could she be so unaffected by me when I was practically begging her for attention even though I knew nothing would come of it?

I meant none of what I said but I couldn't get my stupid mouth to shut up. I just wanted to wipe that smile from her face. I knew I crossed the line when I compared her to Emily but it was the first result I'd gotten so I took the helm and steered into uncharted territory. I curse and rubbed my entire face. How could I have said that about Geraldine? I knew how deeply Charity loved her sister and how fiercely she protected her. "I am a devil," I mumbled into my hands with little humor.

Her last words to me making me feel lower than hell itself. I closed my eyes against the recent memory that I knew would play in my nightmares until the day I died. 

"Are you finished?" I could hear the very real despair that gripped her heart and soul as I looked at her anguish filled eyes. I was in a personally created pocket of hell as I stared at the pain I'd caused the woman I loved so much. I was just as selfish as Brandan said and still much worse. "Are you trying to make me hate you like you hate me?" Her voice cracked and by the last word she was doing nothing but mouthing the sounds. Her eyes snapped shut and I saw the pull on the corners of her mouth. "That isn't going to happen Kent, I could never hate you." The words were spoken between tremors in her perfect lips and I felt like a horse kicked me in my stomach as she turned and ran. 

I chased after her the moment my memory released me cursing my cowardice all over again. I had no right to even speak to her about succumbing to fear. Here I was making that beautiful angel cry. I was worse than that monster Kesler because I broke her spirit. "Talk about irony." I repeated bitterly as I remembered just how hard I'd fought to save her from the twins only to do even worse. If the truth be told, had I kept my faith in her we probably could have avoided this whole situation easily and I'd be a happily married mad playing a game of dirty hide and seek.

I paused at the sudden turn in my thoughts and realized just how desperately I still wanted her to be mine for all eternity. I felt an empty clutching in the pit of my stomach and an annoying prickling in my eyes. I hadn't cried in more than a year and I didn't want to resume the habit in the middle of my mother's garden. I sighed heavily and raked a hand through my hair. I certainly wasn't proving myself as much of a man at the moment. 

I looked around, trying to determine where exactly Charity had run off to. I couldn't call her my angel, I no longer deserved to even look upon her. How could I fix this? She said she could never hate me but that doesn't mean she will ever like me again. I needed her in my life, there wasn't anything for me without her. 

In the silence of the night I heard it, the smallest sniffle, but it was enough to nearly break me in two. I would fix this! I don't care how long it takes, I will make her... what? I needed her to forgive me but I wanted that same adoring look in her brilliant silver eyes she'd worn when the ordeal with Geraldine's uncles ended. That's what I wanted but had I any hope of that future?

Hesitantly I followed the sound to one of the benches under the covered walkways. Charity sat with her head in her hands and her shoulders shaking with silent sobs. The only sound coming from her was the occasional sniffle that led me to her. Watching her now made my resolve falter, I never wanted to see the dull luster of her molten silver eyes again. But I'd caused her this pain and I wouldn't be a coward again. I walked to her, unsure of how to proceed. I sat down next to her and felt her whole body go still as our legs and arms brushed against each other. I let a smirk escape my lips as I leaned my head back.