A Wager Of The Heart

70. Reemergence

:::Charity:::

I stayed in my room for nearly two weeks, I waited for the bruises to disappear. It wasn't even the bruises that I despised, it was the looks of sympathy and pain leveled at me by everyone in the house. Well, almost everyone but I refused to think about him. Geri and Bastion spent nearly every day with me, reading stories and making me laugh. It was idyllic, like a re-occurrence from my childhood when I knew I would always be happy. 

I still could not sleep and after running into Kent on the first night, I did not seek my father out again. It wasn't fear like Geri thought or anxiety like Bastion suggested that kept me awake at night. It was the feeling of trepidation that had everything to do with the passage of time. Geri, whom I loved more than anything, would be marrying Kent, whom I loved more than life, at the end of the summer. And there was nothing I could do about it. No amount of wishing or dreaming or lamenting could change my errant heart. 

I laughed into the darkness of the room only to find the darkness made it sound more like a cry. I choked down the noise and felt the walls close in on me. I focused my attention out of the window and tried to imagine the breeze on my face and the smell of the late summer blooms. The absence of the garden was like a physical pain and the sight of it called like a balm to my heart.

I dug my hands into my skirt and forced my feet to remain still. I knew he waited for me in the dark, waited to tell me whatever devilish lies he'd been trying to communicate since returning. I put my hand over my heart to stop it from fluttering away from me. The constant struggle with my mind and my heart was enough to exhaust me. My mind knew the facts and my heart knew the true nature of my feelings. They were at odds. 

I stood from the window and leaned my hands against the wall that separated me from Geri. I knew she worried about me but I couldn't confide my feelings to her. My heart argued that she would be the perfect person to understand. And if I loved any other man than the exact one she did, I might have shared with her. But it was not to be.

I stepped away from the wall and shook my head against the growing fear of time moving ever forward. I sighed as another wave of panic snuck into my heart. I knew now without a doubt that I had no place living in Geri's house and loving her husband beyond reason. My only option was to return to the little house with our father and wait for my love to fade to a dull ache. Wait until I could look at him without feeling my heart abandon my body.

I needed to leave this room, the closeness was practically choking me. I walked back to the window and measured the hour by the placement of the moon. I sighed as I pressed my overheated head to the glass, it was going to be sunrise soon and there wasn't enough time for a stroll. I sat down hard and watched the final hours of the night pass away into nothingness. 

The sun rose to reveal the beauty of the world and I inhaled the warm, stale air of this room for the last time. I rose stiffly from the seat by the window and tentatively stretched my aching body. I changed quickly into one of my many new dresses, a gift from Bastion who claimed his luck was changing. I pulled a brush through my hair and secured it hastily with hair pins I'd received from Geri. I slowed as I turned toward the mirror, I was wearing gifts of guilt. Guilt that they hadn't done something sooner, been there for me sooner. 

I sighed again and shook the pain and fear from my face. All but one of the cuts on my neck had healed to a thin red line that would disappear in time. The cut I'd received when freeing myself and the one on my jaw still stood out against my pale skin. The bruises were healed to a very light green discoloration on my face. I looked passed the physical marks and saw the fire of life in my eyes. The only proof I had that Kesler had lost his battle, he hasn't broken me. No one had seen this in me, no one noticed I was still me. They saw the marks on my skin and decided I needed to be pitied. I didn't want their pity or sympathy, I wanted to be looked at and treated like a person.