A Wager Of The Heart

78. My mother, my burden

:::Charity:::

One second at a time, just one second. That's how I had to handle this. I had survived being separated from my family for so long by denying any and all forms of comfort or acceptance. I locked my heart behind three feet deep stone walls and expunged any emotion from my existence. But standing here, surrounded by the love I'd missed so much was like dropping a dry sponge into the ocean. It was overwhelming and wonderful at the same time. Geri wouldn't let me go and the desperation in her clinging sent little blades of guilt across my body but being this close to her was worth whatever punishment faced me. My father continued to watch me in bewilderment and a smile only he could give warmed his eyes and diminished the signs a year of worrying wrought on his face. 

My reception from everyone else was mixed at best and downright cold and indifferent at worst. My new mother tried to appear happy at my reappearance but I could see the worried look in her eyes when she caught her husband watching me closely. She worried what would he become if I left again and her worry told me something Brandan's words hadn't. I sighed and looked away from them, I could only prove them wrong with my actions and time. 

Out of the crowd giving me looks ranging from curiosity to hatred, only Edi greeted me with a smile and brief hug. Other than a few more noticeable grey hairs in her head, she looked exactly the same. I wanted to disappear into the warmth of her hug but it was withdrawn too soon and Geri immediately replaced her head on my shoulder. Preston looked too preoccupied with his thoughts to notice my presence and Amelia openly scowled at me. She'd grown just a little taller and most of the baby fat had melted away to reveal a truly remarkable beauty. Her dark hair shown in the early afternoon sun and her blue eyes dazzled in her cream colored face. Aside from her obvious anger toward me, I could sense a maturity that hadn't existed before. 

None of these mixed receptions compared to the cold fire that covered me from head to toe and to the depths of my soul the two times I found myself drowning in coal black eyes. I was overwhelmed by frigid ice as I saw the hatred burn deep in his eyes and I was seared by the feelings I'd hidden and denied for so long as they came rampaging into my heart. I'd never had the courage to admit just how much I'd missed him and now I could no longer pretend. I'd longed for him as much as Geri and Bastion, but in a different form and I knew I loved him as deeply as ever before. 

I stayed by Geri as she greeted and thanked everyone and while she sat and she ate. I still couldn't even abide the thought of food so instead I leaned back in the chair and took in my surroundings. It surprised me to learn we'd be returning to Kent's home until my father explained that Brandan wanted his house and his wife to himself. I blushed even now thinking about it. I locked my hand more securely around Geri's under the table and tried to keep my heart from clenching. 

We sat in the space between the house and the stretch of woods Geri had been injured in. I kept my eyes constantly moving because otherwise they would land on a certain devil and tear my heart apart. It amazed me how at home I felt being here again, I could barely remember the feeling of the rundown little house I grew up in, but this was home. It was bittersweet feeling like I belonged here and knowing this would be my last night in this house. I missed everything about Preston Palace and the people who made it a home. I would endure this pain as well because no matter what the future held for me, I wouldn't leave my family again. 

My free hand gripped the could metal of the chair as my eyes found him again, he'd been staring at me, causing needles of awareness to shoot up my back. I wanted to leave for just a moment, to lose myself once more in the familiar rows of the garden. Instead I sat gazing at the man I loved beyond my ability to control or comprehend. I was too shocked by the hatred in his eyes before to take in the rest of him.