A Wager Of The Heart

47. My Lady

:::Kent:::

It was midmorning before I felt the need to leave the solitude of my room. The bed didn't offer much comfort but the isolation was exactly what I needed. I felt like I'd been pummeled, beaten until every inch of my skin bore marks of my treatment but it wasn't a physical pain. It was the pain of exposure. It was as if I'd been ripped open and left on display for a pair of silver eyes. 

It was like playing with fire and I needed to get myself under control. Charity's latest resistance the previous night had taught me well that which I had forgotten. Love for the sake of love was a notion wasted on the young. I wasn't young and I wasn't prepared to deal with the torrent of emotions caused by that slight angel. She waltzed into my life and turned everything upside down. I cursed and threw myself to my feet. I began pacing as my thoughts continued to race. I was again on the losing end of the irrationality of a love affair. Whatever reason Charity had for rebuking me didn't change the end result.

I couldn't have her and I wouldn't give her body what it wanted against the will of her heart. I chuckled evilly to myself as I ran my hands through my hair. The pleasures I'd filled myself with over the last eleven years held no more appeal. Drink turned bitter and sour in my mouth, the thought of loose women filled me with dissatisfaction. Gambling and fighting, if it didn't have to do with my angel, held nothing for me. I wanted no part in any of it and it vexed me beyond measure. She refused to have me and yet she was all I wanted. I chuckled again, thinking of her quiet plea. If I'd just leaned down and kissed her as I wished, I knew I wouldn't have spend the night alone, and yet I refrained. Was it because I wanted her to want me without guilt or because I wanted her to admit herself? Or maybe because I could see her pain so clearly and wanted to cause her no more? In the end it didn't matter, I wouldn't have her and I needed to get myself under control to survive the days that would come. 

I was resigned to my lot in life and I would need to be doubly convincing in order to convince myself. Passion was dangerous and I would have no more to do with the infuriating emotion. My father was determined that I marry Geraldine and for once I was seeing the wisdom in his choice. I felt no great passion for the exquisite blonde, all the better, because without passion I wouldn't be made into a fool. I could marry Geraldine and have a comfortable life with a compliant and obedient wife.

That being decided I needed to do something with myself to keep my newly discovered emotions under wraps. It wouldn't do anyone any good for my angel to realize I was completely smitten. I needed to rein in my thoughts and actions until my little infatuation could pass me by. I could and would be content with a passionless marriage to Geraldine.

Feeling resolute and strong I left the confines of my room to seek out my Lady. I owned it to her, and myself, to at least try. I had assumed that the finality of my marriage, whenever it happened, would bring me joy and yet all I felt was the cold grip of denial. I shook my head to rid my mind of these thoughts. As I reached the library it occurred to me that I knew nothing of my Lady, save that hurting her caused violet reactions from her fiery maid. Brandan, then, would be my best course of action. 

I smiled as I entered, having a plan was making this daunting task seem less horrid. The room was empty as I entered which caused me to frown but I sat in my chair and diligently waited. Brandan arrived some thirty minutes later, his brow was scrunched in concentration and when his eyes lit on me, he smile. This gesture unnerved me, it wasn't his normal bright smile, there was something rueful about it. I opened my mouth and spoke before he could deliver whatever news he brought with him. "I decided that I must wed my Lady." Brandan stopped short and looked at me, his confusion growing. I smiled and waited for him to be seated before elaborating. "If it is the will of my father that I couldn't do worse."