Unexpected Love (BOYXBOY)

chapter 5

It had been over a month since Ryan had walked in on Toby and me going at it in his bedroom, and over a month of no communication at all with Ryan. I had experienced a little over a week of probably the happiest time in my life, and I had fucked it up.

The night of the "incident," after I pulled myself together, I tried to talk to Ryan. I didn't really know what to get me and take me back to his room. At first, I thought that he'd be equally upset that I was in love with his brother. I had lied to him, told him that I wasn't ready for anything, when in fact I was. It's just that I wanted it to be with Ryan and not Toby.

But to his credit, and showing more character than I could have ever had, he just held me and tried to comfort me. He even told me that he'd try to talk to Ryan about it. I tried to be angry at Toby, feeling like he had seduced me or something, but I couldn't do it, because I knew deep down inside that I had been a willing participant. I had let my hormones and lust for Toby override everything else. It wasn't his fault; it was all mine.

I don't even know why I did it. I'd never had any conscious desire to have sex with Toby (or anyone). Heck, I didn't think that I was ready for something like that. Cuddling and a little kissing were one thing, but sex was something totally different, and not a step I was sure I was willing to take yet. Sure, we didn't have sex, but it certainly felt like it was starting to head in that direction. I was the one who was starting to take off Toby's underwear, for chrissakes!

Like everything else in my life, it seems, I just fucked it all up. I guess it's kind of like that fable of King Midas, where anything he touched turned to gold. In my case, however, everything I touched turned to shit.

I saw Ryan the next morning before we left for school, but he wouldn't talk to me. Toby stood by me like a trouper and even managed to throw Ryan a few pointed looks, although I had to tell him not to do it, because it wasn't Ryan's fault. I'm sure Maggie must have noticed something was out of the ordinary -- that woman noticed everything. But she didn't say anything. Actually, about the only thing good that happened that day (and perhaps it wasn't a coincidence) was that she finally remembered to give me that prescription for the anti-anxiety medication, although she ended up giving me enough for four weeks rather than two.

Ryan drove Toby and me to school that morning, but not a word was said during the car ride. The new life that I had thought (or hoped) was beginning had just fallen to pieces. There would be no more people to hang out with during lunch, no more reassuring and comforting embraces, no more feeling like someone cared about me. Nothing. And perhaps worst of all, no more weekend retreats away from the shithole that I had to call "home" and the mother who would just as soon beat the living daylights out of me than call me her son.

Every time Toby would see me in the halls, he would ask me to come home with him or spend the weekend at their house. I knew he meant it just to be friends. I'm sure he'd learned a big lesson that night too, and I knew he wanted to help me and be there for me.

The way my big blue eyes gave away everything I was feeling, he had to know the emotional torment I was going through. So he kept asking, but I refused each time. I couldn't be in the same house with Ryan, being ignored by him, hoping for something I could never have.

I knew he wouldn't have objected (at least not openly) if I did go home with Toby. He wasn't that kind of person. Ryan was never mean to me, never gave me dirty looks when he passed me in the hallway, no ugly rumors were started about how I was practically naked with Toby in his bed. He just ignored me. Part of me wanted him to yell at me, scream at me, even hit me ... I just wanted some kind of reaction from him. But I got nothing.

What ate away at me even more was that I didn't know exactly what he was upset about. Was it because I was into guys and that disgusted him? Was it because it was with his younger brother? Was it because he wanted me and saw me with someone else? I had no idea, and it was driving me nuts.