She De Man

Nightmares

*Early in the morning*
I hear someone calmly saying my name; I open my eyes and look around the room. I see Cody sitting on the edge of my bed and the other guys standing in my doorway.
Lane says, "That's the worse one she's had in a while. She's been having them here recently but not this bad."
Cody slowly puts his hands on either side of my face and says, "Bug?"
I shake my head to try to focus but all the flashbacks of what Derek did to me are still running through my mind.
Lane says, "Lets give her some space. Cody are you gonna stay in here with her?"
Cody says, "Yeah, I am. Can you go grab a glass of water for her?"
Trevor says, "I'll go get it."
Cody says, "Come on Star-bug I need you to listen to my voice. Focus on it."
I close my eyes and listen to him talk to me. I try to keep myself focused on what he's saying. The memories are slowly fading away but I can still see some. I slowly take a deep breath and open my eyes.
Cody smiles at me and hands me the glass of water.
I take a sip and put the glass back on the nightstand. I start tearing up and look at Cody and mumble, "I'm sorry."
Cody moves closer to me and wraps his arms around me and says, "It's okay, Bug. Lane said you have been having them a lot lately."
I bury my head into his shoulder and mumble, "Yes, but it was bad tonight. I can still feel his hands wrapping around my throat and applying pressure to it. I can still feel him kicking me in the stomach after he pushed me down the stairs. I can still feel him shaking me and telling me that I am useless and a burden."
Cody says, "Star, your not a burden and your not useless. You know by now to not ever listen to what he said to you years ago."
I mumble, "I must be if I can't find someone to love me for who I am."
Cody whispers in my ear, "Maybe if you'd let someone in you'd see that you are loved."
I snort and say, "Why should I? Last time I let someone in I got abused. I got slapped for being myself, I got punched for not doing what he wanted me to do, I got kicked for being late and not having his supper ready for him. "
I raise my head and look at Cody and say, "I lost a child because of letting someone in. What's the one thing in life I wanted more than anything? A child to call my own. Now I'm such a high risk that it would be stupid to try to get pregnant."
Cody says, "Star, breathe. Your getting yourself worked up. You know you can't do that after you have one of your nightmares." He grabs the water off the nightstand and says, "Take another drink."
I grab the glass and take a drink. I mumble, "Sorry, Code."

He kisses the top of my head and says, "Want to talk about the dream?"
I shake my head and say, "It was just the night that I lost Dixie Rose."
Cody says, "I'm sorry you lost her, Star. You would have made a hell of a mother."
I snort and say, "Probably not. I'd be a horrible mother. What would she have learned from me? To be a trouble maker? To be a whore?"
Cody says, "Stop right there. Dixie would have learned to love people, to be there for people, to help whoever is in need. She would have learned about being an honest to god amazing woman like her momma is. Star, I've seen you with my nieces and nephews and your God-children. Your going to make an amazing mother one day. Don't give me the crap about you being high risk. If the guy loves you he'll deal with it and care for you. Your not a whore either. Yeah, you've slept with some guys but dear lord it's not like your the queen of buckle bunnies."
I laugh and say, "Thank you for that but are you sure? I do like buckles."
Cody rolls his eyes and says, "You may like buckles but you've always had standards."
I shake my head and say, "Is that what we're calling my taste in men? Me having standards. If so the standards weren't set very high at times."
Cody laughs and says, "That could also be why you won't date even if you blame it all on Derek."
I shrug my shoulders and say, "Let's talk about something else please. My mind is finally clear and I don't want to start thinking about it again."

He nods and says, "Well just so you know Dancer tried to bite Fraser."
As he says this Dancer comes running in the room barking. She runs to the bed and barks. Cody picks her up and puts her on the bed. She licks his hand and then comes to lay down beside me.
I laugh and say, "She hasn't ever really liked him."
Cody says, "Sounds like her owner."
I give him a look and say, "I do like him. He's like an annoying older brother to me. Let's just not tell him that though. I'll never hear the end of it."
Cody grins and says, "I'll make sure he knows then."
I roll my eyes at him and say, "Whatever. What time is it?"
He picks up my phone and says, "It's 2:45. I know I said if you wake me up I'll go run with you but I didn't mean for you to wake me up at 2 something in the morning, Bug."
I grin and say, "Well I wanted to get an early start."
Cody laughs and says, "Yeah sure. You can go run now I'm going to go back to sleep princess."
I look at him and say, "Are you staying in here since I had a nightmare and your worried?"   He says, "If you move over I am."

I pick Dancer up and say, "Sorry baby but we have to share the bed for once."
I move over and put her down on a pillow and she whines.
Cody says, "Spoiled rotten dog whining because she can't lay in her usual spot."
I say, "Like her owner right?"
He nods his head.
I say, "You do know you've had a hand in spoiling me over the years."
He says, "I...I.... have not!"
I give him a look.
He say, "Okay maybe I have."

I put my head on his shoulder and say, "I've missed this Code. I've missed our late night talks and just being able to speak to each other."
Cody nods and says, "I know, Bug. I've missed it too. I'm sorry for not standing up for our friendship. You've been a big part of my life over the years and I have let Jamie walk all over me especially when it comes to you."
I say, "It's okay, Code. I guess I should have known that we wouldn't be able to not talk to each other for long."
He nods his head and says, "You have always been my number one girl."
I look at him and say, "Don't let Jamie hear you say that."
He shakes his head and says, "Let's not worry about her right now. You want to watch a movie since I know after you have a nightmare it takes you a while to go back to sleep?"
I nod and say, "Put it on whatever because you know I don't care. Just something to keep me focused on it and not on the dreams."
He turns the tv on and starts flipping through the channels. I move closer to him and try to get comfortable. He looks down at me and smiles then kisses the top of my head. He leans back against the pillows.
He then mumbles wiggle worm as I keep trying to adjust and get comfortable.
I roll my eyes at him and lay my head on his shoulder.

He pulls me closer and says, "There's not much on."
I laugh and say, "Really? I wonder why. It's almost 3 in the morning."
I groan then sit up.
He looks at me with a questioning look.
I tell him my alarm is set to go off at 5 so I can go run. It's going to be an early morning and if I can ever get back to sleep it won't be a good thing when it goes off.
He picks up my phone and types in the passcode and says, "Well I just turned it off.  We will sleep in and let the boys take care of theirselves for once."
I shake my head and get repositioned and say, "I planned on cooking for y'all I hope you know."
Cody shakes his head and says, "Your not now. Your sleeping and relaxing. I'll miss my plane tomorrow if I have to so I can make sure you relax for a little bit."
I say, "Okay, Code."

I look down and mumble, "I may not be at finals for you in July."
Cody quickly looks at me and says, "Do what?Star you made me a promise years ago that when I made it and was for sure going to be a champion that you would be there. Your not one to break a promise either."
I shrug and say, "It's around the same time as CBR's finals so I don't want to be jet lagged and I want to be able to focus."
Cody shakes his head and says, "Fine. I guess I'll see you afterwards then."
I groan and say, "Code, stop please. Now your mad at me."
Cody says, "More like pissed, Starlee."

I do the one thing I've gotten on to him for doing a few months ago.
I lean up and kiss him. It takes him a minute before he deepens the kiss. I pull away from him and look down.
He says, "You've been getting onto me for kissing you months ago and now your kissing me."
I mumble, "Shut up Cody. Look I'm not making a promise I won't be there and I'm not making a promise that I will be there. I'll try to be there but I'm going to weigh out my options first."

He gently pulls my face to his and kisses me. I pull back from him and just look at him. He looks at me and brushes some of my hair out of my face. He whispers, "God, Star, your beautiful."
I close my eyes and say, "We can't do this and you know it." I slowly open them and see the hurt in his eyes.
I whisper, "Cody, I'm being serious and not trying to hurt you. We can't though. Your in a relationship with someone. I don't date."

I get up and climb over him.
He says, "Where are you going?"
I tell him I'm going to sleep on the couch.
He gets out of the bed and wraps an arm around my waist and says, "No your not. Come on get back in bed. I'll stay until you fall asleep then I'll go back to the room I'm staying in."

I hold my head up high and nod. All I really want to do is cry though. I care for him and here I am making a fool of myself. I wish years ago he would have said how he felt about me and then maybe I wouldn't have married Derek and I wouldn't be so screwed up.

He gently pulls me to him and says, "Starlee, whatever your thinking stop it."
I mumble, "I'm just thinking how different things could be."
He says, "Yeah things could be a lot different but let's not think of all that. Let's get back in bed and try to get some sleep."
We get back into bed and I slowly start to fall asleep. I feel Cody start to move to get out of the bed and I mumble, "Please stay, Code."
I can feel him move closer to me as I finally drift off.