learn. // shawnmendes

twelve.

after awhile of me laying down and not talking jack went downstairs to do something while i stayed in my thoughts.

i was about to flip over and just sleep to get my mind off of it and to make me feel better before gilinsky came back in.

"i brought ice cream!" he smiled, handing me a bowl of beautiful mint chocolate chip ice cream scoops.

"you're actually an angel." i said, through the ice cream on my tongue.

"i try." he said and we both continued to indulge in our dessert.

"you feel better now?" he asked me, concern written on his face.

"i'm not like, sad, i guess. i just feel disappointed. if it would have been me i would have at least said something to him, you know? like why didn't he come and tell me instead of telling j? and all i've gotten since then is one text and i'm wondering if he's okay while also wondering why we can't have one date without things getting messed up." i ranted.

"and you know," i began again. "i still get tweeted everyday, telling me rude things about what happened. i doubt he gets those anymore! it all just feels really heavy on my shoulders, especially when something else happens to add to my emotions." i groan and place my bowl to the side.

"i think you deserve better than that, than him." jack began, "someone who will stick up for you against hate and someone who knows who he wants." he also sat his bowl to the side and i realized that this had turned out to be an important conversation and turned on my bed to face him.

i took in a breath and looked up at him for a moment, "do you think that that person should be you, jack?" i asked, softy.

"i think it could be." he whispered, breaking our eye contact and looking down.

"jack," i said and grabbed his hands tightly.
"you are the best, you're sweet and you're kind. you do the most selfless things like flying to texas to check on a girl you just met and bringing me ice cream when i'm down. you're smart too," i went on and he looked at me smiling at my words.

"but you know who deserves better?" i continued, he looked at me confused and shook his head. i gave a sad sigh and replied. "you do. you deserve someone who can give all that back to you. not someone who wouldn't be able to be with you whole heartedly." he looked away again, realizing the point i was getting to.

"you are one of the most amazing people i have ever met, and i couldn't be in a relationship with you knowing that i wasn't giving you my all. i wouldn't be able to give you my all because shawn has some piece of that, atleast for now." i started, tearing up at the emotions i was feeling. i gripped his hands tighter than i thought i had the strength for.

"what happened with me and shawn, the separation and the rage i felt towards him at moments, i never want that with you. with shawn i can handle it, that's how we are. but with you, i need you around more than you know. and i love you and i care for you so much that i couldn't bare it. i can't imagine losing you as that. and i think if we were ever something more, then it would just turn out bad for us." i finished, a tear sliding down my cheek.

"you wouldn't." he said in a quivering voice, close to tears. "lose me, i mean." he added.

"i know." i whispered.

"i understand, even if i don't like it or think he's worth it. shawn is a good friend but there's always stuff like this happening when it comes to you and i hate seeing you like this. but, i know you're not trying to hurt me. you're not gonna lose me, leena." we both sat for a minute collecting ourselves. i quickly moved and pulled him into a tight hug, wanting him to realize that i meant what i said.

he responded to the hug with just as much force and i knew that me and gilinsky were gonna be okay. he pulled away and looked at my face for a moment and then spoke again.

"i have one last thing." he stated, and i nodded, "anything." i replied.

"is he worth it. is he worth all of this, for you?" he asked.

i thought carefully before realizing the weight and truth of what i was about to say.

"what i've learned, is that when it comes to shawn mendes; it's never easy, but it'll probably end up being worth it."

he nodded and looked around before getting up to grab the forgotten bowls.

"it's been a long day, i think i'm going to head to sleep early tonight." he explained to me.

i gave him a sad smile, nodded, and walked with him to my door.

"i really hope you and shawn make it one day, for your sake." he tells me, truthfully.

"me too." i reply. "goodnight, jack. i love you, we'll hang out tomorrow, okay?" i ask him for confirmation.

he smiles and nods in reply and heads down the hall to his room and quietly shuts the door.

once i was back in my room, i found myself in the same position as before just without jack's presence next to me.

and once again i found myself lost in my thoughts. i thought back to jack's words and wondered if shawn really didn't know what he wanted, and if he would ever. was i just wasting my time at this point? were we ever going to be more than friends or was friendly acquaintances all there was to me and shawn? i let out groan and punched my pillow before finally deciding to let my brain and emotions have a rest, and called it a night.

***
well well well now we know that this isn't a love triangle anymore yay
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-jas