I hope you don't mind that I'm still here. I can leave, if you want.
I see the way you look at me, but I've never been good at reading people, so I don't know what it means. your eyes don't change when they skim over me, and your face doesn't give anything away, either.
so I'm a little lost.
I would pay money for you to hug me, hold me, touch me, but you don't make a move to come near me as we sit here in the dark and breathe.
I can leave if you want, I tell you.
you don't answer me.
I can see your face in the glow of your phone, and it tells me nothing. I can't tell if you want me here.
I want to brush away the hair that has fallen in your face, but I won't.
I prop myself up against the bed behind me and tuck my feet under my legs, content to watch you until you remember I'm here and tell me to go.
you smile at something on your phone and begin to type, and I watch the twitch of the smile that doesn't reach your eyes. then, before I know it, your phone is off and I can't see your face anymore, but I can feel your breath just barely move the thin hair framing my face and I take comfort in it.
as my eyes just barely adjust to the darkness, I can see you looking at me.
no matter how hard I search, your face gives me nothing.
it is a frozen picture of nothingness, and I am a philosopher searching for a deeper meaning I'm afraid I'll never find.
there has to be some reason that I'm here, looking at you look at me, feeling like I'm overstaying a welcome I'm not sure I even ever got.
you scoot just a little closer, but I'm not sure it was intentional, because you simply adjusted your feet and went back to staring at me.
and suddenly, I'm crying, and you're pressed against me, smoothing down my hair and whispering that I don't ever have to leave if I don't want to.
I don't want to leave, and I don't want you to want me to leave, but you just said you don't, so I can't tell why I'm crying anymore.
you've pulled me into your lap now and are touching every part of me that you can reach, and its everything I dreamed it would be.
so, I won't leave.
we can stay here and run our fingers over smooth skin and salty tears and darkness, and stare at each other all night long until the dark leaves in our place, and it won't feel like I was never supposed to be here, like I'm intruding on a moment that is not my own.
it will feel like falling, and I will feel weightless, and you will feel giddy, and we will be happy here.
I will finally know that you want me.
@
