I don't know how long it will be
until you reply.
you know that I'll sit here
and tell you I'm fine.
it's not my fault
if you choose to believe
my lies,
and I don't control
who I am
in your eyes.
I don't know how long it will be
until you read my text,
so I'll sit in the floor
next to my bed
and pretend that we're having a conversation
inside my head,
when I finally tell you I wish I was dead.
and even though it's fake,
you'll pretend not to hear what I just said.
I don't know how long it will take
for my message to deliver,
so I'll lay on the concrete outside my house
and laugh while I shiver
(it's cold)
I'm watching the flashes of headlights
and pretending they're you
(they're not)
I think you have turned off your phone.
you were never good at pretending.
your disappointment with me was never ending.
I've forgotten how to get back inside of my house.
I've forgotten why it matters.
what is inside there that is not out here ?
I've forgotten how to stand, as well.
I think maybe I should start a list.
a list of the things I've forgotten how to do.
I have not forgotten how to feel things, however.
I am feeling every emotion all at once,
but I do not want any of them.
of all of the things to remember,
why this ?
of all of the people to lose,
why you ?
next time,
I will not text.
@
