days. 365 of them. too little, too late. not enough, never enough. 365 days or 1,000,000 days, it doesn't matter. no amount of them would give me enough time with you. i never imagined i'd see you like this. i have to breathe in, ignore the hideous taste in my mouth. i have to breathe out. i have to ignore the sound of my breath and ignore the tightening of my chest, ignore the pumping of my heart and the pain, anywhere and everywhere. it's always been there. i thought it would be easier to ignore. practice makes perfect. that's something i'll never be. i have ignore everything but the memory of you, the only sweet thing left for me. breathe in. breathe out. breathe around the obstacles. stop. keep going. i don't know. maybe it would be okay to stop breathing. you did.
the 365th day. my first with you. uneventful to look back on, in terms of events. your mother had received our mail and sent you to deliver it. i watched you from my window as you dropped it off. i wanted you to go away. i wanted everyone to go away. you did not.
the 353rd day. i had now grown comfortable with the idea of you attending my school. new people made me uncomfortable, but looking at you calmed me. this had never happened before. it will never happen again. no one can fill the hole you left in me.
the 332nd day. we had begun to talk. school projects were the most conventional way of beginning something with someone, even if that person just annoyed you. you could never annoy me.
the 317th day. you invited me over to your house to watch a movie. i politely declined. i ended up at your house anyway. we watched more than one movie. you made me feel like more than one thing.
the 309th day. we had become what i considered acquaintances. we didn't ever talk much in person, but many conversations were shared between us over the phone. sometimes i would ignore your texts because i wanted to feel lonely. you made me feel lonely, at first. now you make me feel beautiful.
the 300th day. in only 65 days, you had become my entire world. i realized how much i depended on you. i never needed a friend until i had one. it was nice. you were nice. suddenly, everything was about you. i was determined to be able to read you, to build you up and tear you down, keep you close and push you away. i knew we were only decent friends, and i never understood why you hung out with me. i was just me. you were just better. but you were never just anything, were you ?
the 296th day. at some point you had started to ditch your other friends and only hang out with me. it confused me greatly. i never left the house, always busy with homework and procrastinating, never with you. you were always there anyway.
the 284th day. you never talked to your old friends anymore. sometimes i'd pass them in the hallway and they would point and whisper about me. it never bothered me. i had never had anyone before, and now i did, and that was all that mattered. you were all that mattered.
the 270th day. we stayed up late talking on the phone. you said the reason you called was because you wanted to hear my voice and you missed me. i said the reason i picked up was that i was lonely and no one had ever called me before. we talked about our lives and our heads and our views for hours until you feel asleep around 3am. i never hung up the phone. i kept talking to you. you kept breathing to me.
the 262nd day. you were very quiet this day. i couldn't tell if you were avoiding me or not. i never forced our paths to cross. i simply watched you pass me stoically in the hall and watched the muscles in your back move as you walked farther away from me after school. i texted you once. you didn't open it. i had a missed called from you the next morning. you called at 4:22am. i wasn't awake. you texted me back, apologizing for the weird behavior. you were normal the next day.
