The Beginning and the End #Wattys2017

012. Today

Today
9th of April, 2017

I had a dream last night. A happy one.

It was about our first date together. Yung akala ko malas yung araw na yun kasi ang lakas ng ulan at basang-basa tayo. Yun yung araw na napadaan tayo sa isang souvenir shop sa mall na kasalukuyang nagsasagawa ng Game of Thrones quiz bee. I don't like Game of Thrones. In fact, I hated it. Pero dahil favorite mo yun, pumayag ako na magparticipate tayo sa quiz bee. That was one of the most memorable day of my life. Hindi dahil first date natin, but because nakita ko kung gaano ka kasaya nu'ng napanalunan mo yung life-sized na iron throne. Kung may paraan lang para makabalik ako sa araw na yun, yung moment na nakita ko yung pure, unadulterated bliss sa mukha mo, I will gladly sacrifice everything, makita lang ulit kita.

I miss you so much it hurts.

It hurts thinking about you, Alex. It hurts to try to function, to try to keep my life going, knowing that yours won't continue anymore. It hurts to see other people smiling, laughing, having the time of their lives. It's just so freaking unfair. Their lives and existence are still burning bright, while yours had been snuffed out like a fucking candle. I need you here, by my side, not buried ten feet underground inside a goddamn coffin. It sucks to exist without you. It fucking sucks.

I have no idea if I'll ever be happy again. I don't know if I can move on. I don't know if someday, I can laugh and smile and exist like a normal person. I don't know when I will stop reminiscing every damn moment we had together. Everything's starting to crumble, and I have no one to hold on to.

Hindi na ako nakatulog pa nang maayos pagkatapos ng panaginip ko. I stayed awake hanggang dumating ang bukang-liwayway. Nahiga lang ako sa kama habang nakatingin sa kisame, nag-iisip ng kung anu-ano para lang makalimutan ko na inilibing ka na namin kahapon. To make things worse, pinapababa ako ngayon nina Mom and Dad sa living room because we have a visitor: si Tita Desiree at si Faye, ang unica hija niya.

I don't know kung bakit pinipilit nila akong humarap sa bisita when they know full well that I don't like them. Ever since I was born, naiinis na ako sa older sister ni Mom at sa malditang anak nito. Masyado kasi silang mapagmataas, porke umasenso lang sa buhay. Sila lang yung relatives na kilala ko sa side ni Mom, at hindi ko pa sila kayang pakisamahan. I'm sure alam mo na 'to, Alex. Ilang beses ko na ba silang nai-kwento sa'yo?

Kumatok ulit si Mom sa pinto ng kwarto ko for the nth time. "Eleanor, please," pakiusap niya. "Nakakahiya kina Ate. Malayo pa ang pinanggalingan nila."

Yeah, right. Galing silang Hawaii at magbabakasyon daw dito sa Philippines for a week. Para ano? Para ipamukha kina Mom and Dad yung narating nila. Para ipagmayabang yung mga mamahalin nilang gamit at gadgets. Hindi ko alam kung bakit pinagtiisan pa ni Mom si Tita. Wala pa namang naitutulong sa amin yun kahit kaunti. Lahat ng mayroon kami ngayon, pinaghirapan nina Mom and Dad. Kahit isang beses hindi nila ako pinabayaan. And I'm grateful.

Kaya kahit labag sa loob ko, I stood up and opened my door. "Okay, Mom. I'll go downstairs in a minute," I said, and I gave her a fake smile. Nang bumalik na ulit siya downstairs, sinarado ko ulit yung pinto ko.

Can't I grieve in peace?

-----

"...and we're planning to go on Boracay this weekend," I can hear Tita Desiree's high and annoying voice habang pababa pa lang ako ng hagdan. "Do you guys wanna come? Kanya-kanyang bayad, of course."

Nang makarating ako sa living room, napatigil sila sa pag-uusap at tumingin sa akin. Nakaupo si Tita sa couch with Faye, at nakatayo lang sina Mom and Dad sa harapan nila na parang mga fans na naghihintay ng autograph.

"Hello, cousin," bati sakin ni Faye, a fake smile plastered on her face. I fought the urge to roll my eyes. Two years lang ang tanda niya sa akin, pero she acts as if she's superior. Syempre, hindi ako magpapatalo sa kanya. Pinalaki ako nina Mom and Dad nang maayos, pero marunong pa rin akong lumaban.

"Oh, sa wakas at bumaba na rin ang prinsesa," sarkastikong sabi ni Tita, sabay tingin sa akin na parang nanghuhusga. "Kanina ka pa tinatawag ng parents mo, pero parang wala kang pakialam. Ganyan na ba ang mga kabataan ngayon?"

Why don't you ask that to your daughter? That's what I want to say to her, but I chose to stay silent. Wala akong lakas ngayon para makipagtalo sa kanya. Their last visit here didn't end well, and I don't want another issue na pwede nilang gamitin para isumbat sakin. Nakakasawa na kasi.

"Bakit hindi mo gayahin itong pinsan mo?" Tita continued. "Napakabait na bata..." Blah, blah, blah. This is one of the things that I hate about her. Palagi niya akong ikinukumpara sa anak niya. Kesyo mas mabait si Faye, mas matalino, mas masipag, and so on. Parang ipinamumukha niya na hindi ako pinalaki nang maayos ng mga magulang ko. Like seriously, tiningnan na ba niyang mabuti yung sarili niya at yung spoiled niyang anak?

"Pasensya ka na, Ate," Mom said. "Medyo malungkot pa kasi si Eleanor dahil sa unexpected demise ng kaibigan niya." This is one of the few things that I hate about my Mom naman. Lagi na lang siyang nagpapatalo kay Tita. Kahit alam niyang mali, hindi siya lumalaban. She's too kind-hearted, kaya palagi siyang naaabuso.

"Kaibigan?" Tita said, then she huffed a laugh. She glanced at her daughter and they exchanged a knowing look. "You mean ex-boyfriend?" In-emphasize pa niya yung salitang ex-boyfriend tapos she sneered at me. Nagsimulang kumulo yung dugo ko.

Sasagot na sana ako but Mom gave me a pleading look. Si Dad naman, tahimik lang sa tabi niya. Mas lalo akong nainis. Tatahimik na lang ba sila habang niro-roast ako ni Tita? Wala ba silang balak na ipagtanggol ako?

"I don't get it. Bakit hanggang ngayon hindi ka pa rin maka-move on sa kanya?" tanong ni Tita sakin. "I mean... He was just an ordinary boy."

"He was not just an ordinary boy for me," I answered calmly. He was my best friend, my favorite person, and the only one who can understand me. You're the love of my life, Alex.

"But he was. Besides, patay na siya. Nakabaon na sa lupa. Bakit hindi mo ibaon na lang din siya sa limot?"

Hindi niya naiintindihan. Hindi niya alam yung nararamdaman ko. Wala siyang alam, Alex. Hindi niya alam kung ano ka sa akin. She was not here when we were creating our moments together. No, hindi niya ako kilala.

"Ate, tama na 'yan," pakiusap ni Mom kay Tita, but she just waved her off.

"Tama naman ako, diba? Puppy love lang naman 'yan. Why give it so much importance? Ang dami-dami pang lalaki diyan."

I clenched my fists. I don't want to hear this anymore.

Nanakbo ako palabas ng bahay. Narinig kong tinawag ako nina Mom and Dad, pero hindi ko sila pinansin. Tuloy lang ako sa pagtakbo, without having any idea where to go. Gusto kong mapalayo sa kanila, sa mga masasakit na salita ni Tita, sa lahat. Sawang-sawa na ko.

Bakit mo kasi ako iniwan? Bakit ka namatay? This is all your fault. You promised me you won't die. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you, Alexander Solomon. Fuck this life. Fuck everything. Hindi ko na kaya.

Napatigil ako sa pagtakbo at umupo. My damn tears won't stop flowing, and it's wearing me down. Kailan ba ko titigil sa pag-iyak ng dahil sa'yo? Ang sakit na, eh. Pwede bang mapunta na lang ako sa alternate universe na sinasabi mo? Yung hindi katulad ng miserableng universe na kinabibilangan ko ngayon. Please, Alex? Ayoko na.

Tumingin-tingin ako sa paligid. Nakarating na pala ako sa bridge. Naaalala mo nung mga bata pa tayo? Dito tayo palaging naglalaro ng habulan. Diba nadapa pa nga ako? Tinulungan mo ko nu'n kasi iyak ako nang iyak. Sabi mo, hindi mo na hahayaan na masaktan ako ulit. You'll be my knight and shining armor. Pero nasaan ka ngayon? Wala ka na, you left me.

I stood up slowly, using the bridge's railing as a support. I peeked beyond it into the river below. Ten feet drop din siguro ito. Tumalon na kaya ako? Tama, maybe I should just jump. This will surely end all of my sufferings. Sobrang sakit na kasi. Mabigat na masyado sa dibdib.

I climbed over the railing, not bothering to be careful. Hindi na kailangan kasi magpapakamatay na rin naman ako, eh.

With tears in my eyes and a heavy heart, I took a deep breath and jumped.

Just before I broke the surface of the water, I could have sworn I heard someone call my name.