Stay • Everlark (REVAMPING)

2. all the answers (revamped)

Katniss:
I must've collapsed after my meltdown, because I find myself lying gracefully in my old bedroom having slept until the next morning. Haymitches doing. Although, as always, nightmares still came.

I haven't come in here for so long, that dust gathered even on the bedsheets. Now that Peeta is the only thing that's been on my mind, the memories of him nursing me whilst I broke my ankle plague me. I would watch him draw all the plants and herbs that my Mother asked,  focusing on his eyelashes. Long, blonde and hardly noticeable.

I've battled with myself if I want to see him again or not, and I've decided against it. If i confront him, I'll get confused and he doesn't want to see me, so why should I bother him? He doesn't need me. I have done nothing but push him away since I first saw him from the Capitol. Not by choice, but at the time, all I needed to focus on was killing Snow.

Buttercup lingers on the windowsill, his eyes looking me up and down in intrigue, and a hint of disgust. Now he's definitely realised that she's not here, so he's acting in ways that were previously unthinkable.

The nightmare I just woke up from looms over me. I was stuck in a field of pristine white roses that reeked of poison, every time I thought it was over, the voice of someone I've killed leads me back in. It was a long dream, considering how many people I've killed or who's deaths I have been indirectly responsible for.

It's all too much for me to even touch upon. I dash out of the room, down the stairs and through the door to breathe in the crisp air. But what I find outside is more suffocating than any nightmare.

Peeta is knelt down in the grass, his back turned to me, digging up soil to plant what looks like roses. I almost run back inside, but the steps make a creaking sound and Peeta turns around.

His eyes initially widen at the sight of me, in my suicidal state. Matted hair, dirty clothes. After the shock, he takes my appearance in and shoots me an awkward smile. He looks... well. Of course, you can see the sadness in his blue eyes from miles away, but they've lost that clouded and tortured look. I make a failed attempt at pushing my hair out of my eyes, but it's matted in clumps.

Looking at him further, I realise that he's holding and planting something. Roses. I'm about to shout vile things at him for even bringing them anywhere near here, looking at them closer, they're not roses, they're primroses. A symbol of her.

"Dr Aurelius didn't let me leave the Capitol until yesterday. He told me you can't avoid him forever and you have to answer your phone. Haymitch said the same thing, but with a lot more cursing." He pauses. "I found these primroses on the side of the woods. For her."

Every part of me wants to run into his arms and feel their warmth. But I stop myself, give him a nod of approval and run back into the house - locking the door behind me.

I didn't expect him to look so healthy. Half of me was expecting an out of control, rabid mutt, not that I was even expecting him at all. I take a deep breath in and slide down the door, head in my hands. There are no tears, just shame.

In certain moments of weakness, I become more aware how much of calculating, vindictive person I really am. My first thought was that Peeta would be a mutt and that he would hurt me. Not that he would've changed, just how it would feel to be in his presence again.

I should hate him and he should hate me. But I can't, I can't hold anything to him as an excuse to push him out of my memory. He's always there. Kindness has always been my weak spot, kind people have a way of making their way into my heart and staying there. He has more the reason to hate me, he probably has a new life completely. Although, why is he in 12? Either way, I'm happy for him.