Stay • Everlark (REVAMPING)

11. who knows

Katniss:
It's my birthday next week.

The only five words that I can think about. Where has the time gone? The games, the war, the last time I saw Prim smile; where did it all go?

The hard reality is I don't know.
I signed up for tessarae 9 years ago.
Got picked for my first games 5 years ago, my second 4 years ago,
became the Mockingjay a 2 1/2 years ago. Got back from the Capitol 1 1/2 year ago.
I feels like I watched the District burn yesterday.

"Katniss," Peeta calls, waking me up from my daydream. "Are you awake?" He asks. Only now causing me to notice that he wasn't next to me the whole time.

"No." I reply bluntly. Today is one of those days where I want to stay in bed and do nothing but wallow in my self pity.

"It's your birthday soon." Peeta smiles excitedly. He's more excited than I am, I don't want to make a big deal out of my birthday.

"I was hoping you'd forget." I groan. All he wants is for me to enjoy myself, but birthday eve is a new one I don't think I can handle.

"I could never." Peeta says, looking at me intently,  "It's all I've been thinking about for the last week."

"I'm not a morning person, but I'll allow an exception for you." I say, slowly getting up from the bed. "So how about that breakfast I can smell?"

Peeta's eyes light up when I warm up
to his idea (which is unlike me). "I love you." He mutters, running over to kiss me on the nose before running down stairs. That boy is half adult, half 5 year old.

"Love you, too." I call back to him, but he's probably too occupied with whatever he's up to in the kitchen.

Going into the kitchen, I notice Peeta sat at the counter staring out of  the window with his hands covering his mouth in thought. My first instinct is to approach him slowly, but looking at him more I realise that he isn't having a flashback.

I walk over to Peeta and sit beside him. He's so deep in thought that he doesn't notice me sitting next to him. "A lot to think about?" I ask, startling him since his shoulders jump.

"I guess so. I'm just thinking about everything. It's funny how we're not in an psychiatric hospital." Peeta sighs, a sad smile creeping onto his face.

"Me too." There's a pause. "How do we be normal, Peeta? Our lives aren't in danger anymore, what do we have? It's not like we can forget." I admit. Something in Peeta's eyes resonate with mine. An understanding, a shared feeling.

"I don't want to forget." This reminds me of a conversation that we had after the first games. "What's happened has shaped us. I know I'm not the same person I was before the games and neither are you. Besides, we wouldn't have found each other if they hasn't happened. I'd still be in love with you, though." He says sheepishly.

I'm not sure what to say but I feel my cheeks burn red. "Sometimes I do think about what would've been if none of this ever happened. Maybe I'd be married to Gale and the games would still be here. You'd probably be working in the bakery, maybe you'd be with Delly Cartwright." I say, when I mention Gale; Peeta winces.

"Delly?" Peeta almost spits out his water. "We grew up together, I could never see her as anything more than a friend even if I wanted to. I'd watch you be with Gale if it made you happy. Sometimes I used to think, would you ever leave me for Gale?"