Her Reality

At Night

I awake in the middle of the night,

Shit 5 in the morning,

With a million things that I should worry about,

And it's you that I keep replaying in my head like a favorite song.

It's not supposed to be this way,

Cause after what seems like a long time,

You still don't know how I feel,

Maybe the hidden secrets is what bothers me,

The thought of having the truth come out will probably let me sleep at night,

Cause fasho I know your not missing no sleep because of me,

I mean why would you?

But who knows?

No one will,

Cause I never said shit,

This bothers me more than anything.

When I heard your voice again after a lil while,

I couldn't believe it,

You are like my favorite song,

So beautiful,

That it makes me smile,

Like a little kid at a candy store.

To know that you care about me as much as I care about you,

Its like I should set things off,

Like a bullet releasing from its home,

Man I swear this shit keeps me up at night,

Afraid that shit won't change,

Afraid of shit won't be how it use to,

Afraid that I'll walk away with tears in my eyes,

Just afraid nothing won't feel the same,

This sounds silly to me,

Now I got a grin on my face,

Like,

I'm only 18,

Life is waiting for me to live,

And I'm just waiting for you to be a part of it.

I sigh,

Simply because I can't keep doing this,

Having these wish upons,

Could of's,

This shit gon eventually turn into a,

"I should of",

For a second I just thought,

That's not what I want,

I don't want to look back and think,

Damn,

I should of just told him,

One thing about life,

Its full of risk.

The thought of risking what our friendship is??

Its not possible,

Well I try not to let it be,

All my life I wait for what I dream to happen...

Now I'm receiving butterflies as if I'm about to tell you right this second,

All these feelings I have built up for you,

I just know I will hear the words,

"We can just be friends",

Even when you told me,

"Who wants to be friends with someone they have feelings for?"

Cause it's definitely not me,

I know that if I walk away with pain in my chest,

I'm going to want to disappear,

Well disappear on you,

Its not right,

But these aren't just ordinary feelings,

These are the feelings that keep me up at night,

I'm just afraid to come to the light and embrace it.

Embracing that I have feelings for you,

Isn't as easy to just embrace that your the reason I'm up at night,

Ain't shit in life ever that easy,

But,

When does anything come easy?

Nothing does.

I have built up scenes I'm replaying in my head on how I'm going to tell you,

I have so many where I walk away in disappointment,

As I just smile in your face to hide how I really feel,

Then I also see me walking away with the biggest smile,

And I have the most beautiful relief,

Because I just bloomed,

Like a beautiful rose.

I would be open,

I would be free,

And this is what I just realize,

I'm up at night,

Because I. Don't. Feel. Free.

I'm not free of these untold feelings

June 24th, 2017 @naeereckless