Pining for a Spaz

Coming to Terms

Fuck. I can't fucking believe I just did that.
WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME??
Who just jacks off to their friends?? In the woods?!? Like a fucking psychopath?!???
I sprint the rest of there way home, slamming the front door shut behind me. I ignore my moms angry retort as I run up the stairs, and slam my door shut behind me as well, before burying myself under my blankets in shame.

I wake up to loud growling from my stomach, seconds before my alarm goes off.
Shit, I slept through dinner?
I groan loudly, rolling out of bed like a limp sack of potatoes, and smashing my snooze button to stop the incessant blaring.
I rub at my eyes slumped on the floor, uncomfortably disoriented. I sit there blearily staring at my carpet for what seems like days, before the gnawing emptiness in my stomach compels me to my feet, down the stairs, and into the kitchen, like a zombie drawn to the scent of flesh.
I open the fridge and notice the made up dinner plate, with my name on a sticky note.
I love my mom so much.
I devour the mashed potatoes chicken fingers and peas cold, and then pour myself a bowl of lucky charms.
Mom comes downstairs just as I'm finishing the cereal.
"Feeling okay, Craig?"
"Yeah m'fine," I say, dropping my dishes in the sink and hurrying out of the kitchen before she could pry any further, the memory of my fucked up jack off from the previous day still burning my mind.
I feel dirty.
Disgusting.
I hop in the shower, turning the water as hot as I can stand it, to cleanse away my impure desires.
I only end up just thinking about Tweek some more, and whacking off to his memory.
I don't know how I'll be able to look him in the eye anymore.

Turns out, I'm the special kind of asshole that can pretend everything's normal. Like they haven't been getting off to one of their best friends every chance they get.
I don't even know why this is happening all of a sudden.
Do I like Tweek?
I clearly must like him...
My eyes wander over to where he sits, a couple rows up and to the left.
He's scribbling something intently, brows furrowed in concentration, moist pink tongue peeking out just slightly out the corner of his mouth. My heart flutters, flipping my stomach upside down briefly. I tear my gaze away, hiding my head in my hands as I take deep breaths to calm my suddenly erratic heart rate.
Yeah. I definitely like him.
How the fuck did this happen??
How do you suddenly fall in love with someone so violently like this??
Fuck I'm exhausted. Screw school. I'm taking a nap.

"Anyone up for laser tag?" Clyde hollers into the class just before the bell rings last period.
Fuck yes. Perfect way to get my mind off of Tweek.
"Let's fuckin go." I announce. Clyde grins at me, finger-gunning his appreciation.
Several others agree as well and as the bell rings we have a party of around ten, including me, Clyde, Token, Kenny, Stan, Wendy and Tweek.
Fuck. I was hoping he'd decline the invitation. Oh well I guess, the arena's pretty big, and it's dark. Not like I'll run into him that often anyways.

Tweek kicked everyone's ass. Running around at top speed, all you could hear was manic mocking giggles as he shot you and zoomed past before you even had a chance to turn in the direction of his laughter.
Great.
How am I supposed to stop liking him when he does cool badass shit AND is super cute doing it??
I pretend to listen to whatever Clyde's going on about, watching Tweek and Wendy play-flirt at the front of the group.
I wonder if he likes her...
...yeah... he's probably straight...
It feels like something inside of me just died, cold and heavy, pulling down at my heart.
I should stop liking him...